everdecreasinggirdle

Living with a dead man.

2011-06-11T09:55:00.003+01:00

For the last 3 1/2 years, my boyfriend and I have been sharing our lives with a dead man, or Mr Jackson as I'm sure he'd have preferred we called him.

It's not quite as gruesome as it sounds, but it is something that's been on my mind a lot recently. We bought our first house in South Manchester in November 2007. It was an ex-council house and was built in the 1930's. The previous owner was Mr Jackson. He lived here with his family, and after the death of his parents lived alone till his own his death. He had no close family in the area, and the estate was dealt with by a relative who lived in Spain after his death.

Whomever prepared the property for sale removed all personal items, but left everything else behind. When we bought it we got everything that came with the house. Good and bad.

The housing market crashed just after we bought our home and the house still languishes in negative equity (mind you, this doesn't matter as we aren't going anywhere!), and for the last few years we've mainly concentrated on paying the mortgage and bills, and haven't had the cash around to buy new things and decorate.

We've been clearing things out this week, as we've had some generous donations of furniture from friends and family, and as a result I've been spending a lot of time looking at Mr Jacksons things.

For the last 3 years, we have sat on his sofa, hoovered his carpets - with his vacuum, hung our clothes in his wardrobe, written at his desk, rested our (newly dontated) telly on his sideboard, ate every meal at his dining table, cooked pasta in his pans, gardened with his tools, recycled his gambling newsletters and some slightly more dubious post (blush), been surrounded by every possible texture of 'superfresco' wall paper, found some odd damp smells, and some ridiculously crap attempts at DIY and decoration.

Today - after a long and loving relationship with Mr Jacksons Dyson hoover - my favourite inheritance, I realised that I hadn't noticed that I can take apart several addtional bits of the hoover and rebuild them a la Transformers, to make the hoover do EVEN MORE things. I guess if I'd bought it and had the manual I'd have known from day one, but I've had to wait to work it out for myself.

The point is, we may have ugly furniture and carpets, and some really horrible wall coverings, but I feel a strong sense of gratitude to the previous owner of our house. He was a lonely man who we have found out was unkind to children and not a fan of animals, and was a regular performer at local karaoke nights (Sinatra was his speciality).

He has helped us live here, and hopefully will for a long time to come. I'm not sad to see the back of his pink sofa (it's going to a furniture charity), and as soon as I have some money to spare I'm buying a kick ass wardrobe, but his Dyson and I will be close friends until the day it's cyclone sucks no more.

I'm thankful for the kindness of strangers and friends. I'm incredibly lucky and have much more than other people in the world. My house may look weird and mismatched, but it's mine.

And Mr Jackson's.

ahem.....

2011-06-09T14:48:00.002+01:00

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

So - (looks shiftily around the room) - the blog fell by the wayside. As did some of the weightloss, and life in general as we know it.

We had job scares for Jon and I over the last 6 months, and in March I lost mine. Most of my virtual friends will know about this already - (sorry about that!) and things have been difficult and confusing.

In the past the blog has been my tool of writing things down to help me to see them from a different angle, not really for the benefit of those reading it. That sounds a bit rude, but I'm afraid it's true. For the last 10 months I've not wanted to share anything with myself let alone the rest of the world.

I spent some time yesterday with someone who helped me think about reflection and what affect it can have, and today I felt I might like to blog again soon.

I don't think it's all going to be weightloss, and I don't know how long it will happen for. But lets see eh?

In weightloss news - Jon and I made a dilligent effort at the beginning of the year, and I lost well over a stone. - So it's still happening.... bit by bit.

The Carousel of Time

2010-09-13T19:04:00.001+01:00

Well tomorrow I turn 1 year older again. It's 32 this time (as opposed to what my profile says over there!) Jon is constantly on at me to change it. I'm quite happy to stay at 29 and a bit - indefinitley.

I've been quiet on here, but busy elsewhere. I've been doing quite a lot of exercise, and keeping active, and the calorie counting seems to be helping. - It's very slow and steady, and I'm not seeing radical results, but I'm noticing my clothes starting to feel looser. Hurrah!

It's tough to remember that things don't happen over night, so you don't reap the benefits of eating like a perfect person the week after - you often have to wait several weeks to see the effect of this - so therefore, you need to spend a month eating like a perfect person to notice something, and the minute you stop- you know in a few weeks time you will undo all the good work.

Calories are a bugger aren't they? Some days it's really easy to come in under target, and then the next day, I'm almost at my limit before dinner time! Alcohol is a real problem! - I mean I don't drink a lot - but I'm really starting to resent having drinks that have calories in them. It's just wasted calories!

I'm worried I'll never be able to enjoy one of my guilty pleasures (redbull) again!

So I've been busy - because 'operation cat' has finally come to fruition and in a weeks time we will be welcoming "Mrs Peel" in to our family. She's a rescue cat and we met her the other night. I'm so excited I think I'm becoming a little annoying.

I'm not doing anything to celebrate my birthday this year, and I'm not even remotley excited (not like me at all) - however I'm not down in the dumps either. I've just come to the conclusion that there isn't the time/money/calories to go crazy right now, but at the end of October when my show is on - I'll have the week of work and will be able to celebrate and party with my friends as many times as I want to.

Having said that - I think I'm going to have to make time to eat a really big piece of cake.

shake it up

2010-08-20T19:05:00.000+01:00

So I'm thinking I need a new hairstyle - and I'm also wondering if it's time the blog had a new outfit!?!

This amazing decor I've had for the last year and a bit is a fantastic custom skin, and in those days blogger only offered you about 4 bland choices as to what you could have. Before that it was a sort of green effort which I quickly binned. I'm starting to think the current skin looks a little cluttered and dated, but I'm not sure if I'm being fickle.

They now seem to have lots more to offer; so my lovely readers - I have some questions for you....

If it ain't broke - should I leave as it is?
Should I change it to one of the selections below? - obviously with a little tweaking
Should I go for something different? (suggestions please)

iphone can make you thin

2010-08-16T19:05:00.000+01:00

Will beat 138,750 times, pump 2,035 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 21,333 miles throughout my body!

Created by MyFitnessPal.com

So I'm in a new phase. On getting my lovely iphone, I decided to see if it could help me with my weightloss.

The first and most easy thing to do is to download the Paul McKEnna ICMYT app - but this costs £5.99, so I've not done that just yet. I do plan on doing it at some point though. I hear it's ok - has the journal capability where you can note your successes and feelings, and has lots of tools for helping you get in the 'right head space' - which I'm all for, but for £5.99 - Paul can wait!

No - I'm using myfitnesspal.com - which was one of the first free apps I downloaded to the iphone. Basically it's a calorie counter and exercise diary. It's a bit basic, and seeing as I'm not weighing myself, the results are a bit vague, but over the last 2 weeks it has really refreshed my eating/exercise habits.

I've set it up on a plan to lose 1lb a week (you enter in your stats and it works out how many calories you need) - and every time I eat something I search the database of food - and 7 times out of 10 - the food I have eaten - right down to the brand and portion is already entered. This means you also get nutrition information too. I've also said I'd like to do burn around 800 calories a week through exercise - so things I have found out in the last 2 weeks

I am able to stay under my calorie count fairly easily (although exercise helps) but
I'm regularly eating too much sugar and fat,
I often don't have enough protein or carbs
I burned around 1500 calories more than I ate in week 1
I burned around 3000 calories more than I ate in week 2
Adding what I eat as the day goes along is helping me to rationalise whether to have 'that cake' or not.
Although I was fairly calorie aware before, I'm having to re look at portion sizes all over again, - cheese is a bugger isn't it!?!
My motivation to exercise has jumped up, as faced with the thought of going over the target - I then think - shall I go and move my body for a bit and have the (insert bad thing here) - or shall I have a rest, but not eat the bad thing!

Jon is also doing it too on his lovely new smart phone, and doing it together is really great as we are both trying to be more aware. It does give some slightly iffy info - for example, it adds calories burned on to your daily allowance, which if you then ate you'd not be getting the full benefit of the workout! I try and aim to eat a few extra calories on exercise heavy days, but not to go mad. Funnily - Jon who cycles around 12 miles each day, keeps eating hundreds of calories under his allowance as the exercise calories burned skew the figure, but hey ho. Also not all entries have the nutritional info, and some of it is user generated content, so I ate some humous the other day that apparently had a weeks worth of salt in it! - which it didn't, but also you don't get a fully accurate picture of your nutritional intake.

But it's a good start. Nothing amazing has happened just yet, apart from feeling good and getting my arse moving a bit more than usual - but I must say, my trousers feel a little looser today!

I'm feeling positive.

ifeel love

2010-08-06T19:31:00.000+01:00

Here i am - looking so happy because i am now an iperson. Taking an iphoto with a polaroid app that makes me look even ihappier. About a week ago I got my first iphone, and we are very, very happy together. I've been waiting a long time for this - and quite frankly it's such an ipleasure.

Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly aware that there are better phones and gadgets out there, but "imho" - none are sexier than this.

The screen clarity is soooo amazing.

However Jon and I are now eating dry biscuits for the rest of the year as it cost so much money, but this leads me nicely on to a new little project I've got going on...

iphone can make you thin?

watch this space for a blog update shortly.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to be eating a lot of cheesecake this weekend, so I think it will take more than an iphone to make me thin.

please don't disown me....

2010-08-03T18:22:00.002+01:00

So - I've been on holiday, and I've had a bit of Plantar Fasciitis and I've been hiding from weightloss, exercise, and the blogoshpere.

Holiday was great - check out my flickr feed.... and I like camping who would a thought it.

I've definitley been on a bit of a downer for the last few months and am only starting to acknowlege - come out the other side.

I'd built up lots of silly expectations of myself (sound familiar to anyone?) and I felt that I'd let the blog down and my friends down by not losing more weight and not going to the gym. Bit of a vicious circle.

Anyhow. From now on, I'm going to try not to hide, and also I'm saying to hell with expectations. I'm trying not to have any, and I'm going to force myself to believe that you have none either!

While I've been away, I've finished year 2 of exercise. I've sorted my stats out and updated the spreadsheet on the right Exercise Stats Year 1&2 so things will look a little tidier now.

Year 1 I did 96 hours of exercise, but this year I only did 64. Bit gutted about that. I've also been doing very different types of exercise, year 1 was mainly classes - year 2 mainly in the gym. Year 2 has got lots more weeks where I did nothing. This is what I'm most disappointed in.

When I first started out, even if I sat on my gym ball and did some stretches for 10 minutes at home - that was better than doing nothing at all. However, to give myself some due- when I started I was noting EVERY little bit of movement I did as before that I did none. I think I make more 'micro' movements in real life than when I started, and only log 'gym time' (or garden time etc) and miss out walking around town and stuff like that.

Anyway. I went to the gym this morning. I renewed my contract in June and for the first time since I started paying for the gym (in 2 years!) I had a month where I didn't even go to the gym. Now admittedly my 2 week holiday fell in that period, but it's just not good enough. My fear when I signed up was to make sure that I just didn't feel guilty watching the direct debit leave my account each month whilst I sat at home on my arse.

Anywho, I'm making a bit of a come back. No pressure, cause I don't want to frighten myself back in to hiding.

love Emma

argrhhg

2010-05-11T17:59:00.001+01:00

Right - so it's blatantly evident that I'm a bit blog light at the moment.

Sometimes I can't be arsed, sometimes I'm too busy, and sometimes I'm hiding.

I'm quite clearly not concentrating on weightloss or exercise as much as I should be doing, and therefore the last place I want to hang out is here - in the place where I tell you all how well I'm doing.

I'm not going to stop - I don't think. But just bear with me during a short hiatus. (which might not even be a hiatus)

In other news

I've renewed my gym membership - so that's a year and 8 months I've been a member now.
I'm not fatter than I was before - as far as I can tell.
I lifted a 10lb weight above my head 45 times on saturday. It still hurts.
I'm being rather active in the garden - mowing the lawn is good exercise
The musical I'm directing has started. Bring on the pain.
I've been conducting a choir in rochdale on wednesday nights. It's been physically and emotionally draining, I'm starting to realise that the things I like doing best involve me giving people all my energy. I'm like a battery charger.
I ate SO many crisps on saturdy. It was great.
Falafel are amazing
I still haven't gotten a cat.
I bought a dress that made me look so horrible I cried.
I sent the dress back.
I'm taking antibiotics at the moment that make me feel constantly half cut.
I got a great new hair do
I'm still wearing crocs, and even I think they are out of fashion now. But they are so comfy.
I'm going camping this summer and I'm really looking forward to it.
Iron man 2 was quite good. As is the new Dr Who.

Peace out.

Gym'll fix it?

2010-04-23T18:30:00.000+01:00

So I only went to the gym once last month. That's frankly a bit embarrasing. Admittedly there were epic bike rides and gardening activities happening, but I just couldn't haul my ass out of bed to get there.

I just don't get it. When I'm there I enjoy it, but I just can't be bothered when the alarm goes off. I find myself making excuses - I slept badly, I was too busy, I had a dodgy tummy etc.

Needless to say, no matter how tired I am the gym always does me some good.

I went yesterday morning and did a pretty good work out. Although... I managed to fall off the treadmill in a totally laughable manner. Somoene in the ladies gym had reset the basic profile so that it started at running pace. I was expecting walking pace so went for a burton. The 2 ladies in the gym with me didn't even ask if I was ok.

So, once my dignity was restored I walked uphill for 15 minutes, then did a weights session. I certaninly did more weights than normal, but at the time it felt fine.

For a long time now I've been doing work outs and not being able to feel it the next day. I was beginning to miss that twingy feeling - it's like a badge of honour, and I was starting to fear that my workouts quite simply weren't 'working out' !

Anyways, the morning after I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Literally. I don't think it was all gym related, but I spent the morning looking like I'd got a serious spinal issue and behaving like my brain had been replaced by gravy. Not good.

And for some reason, I'd managed to workout so hard on my left arm that rather than have that sort of yummy twinge going on, my arm simply didn't work! I found this out when trying to scratch my ear driving to work! My hand stopped around mid chest!

I wouldn't mind but I spent ages stretching out after my workout.

Anyways . I can't get motivated to go to the gym. I like being there. It makes me feel good all day.

What the funk is wrong?

The long and frankly dull road

2010-04-22T17:45:00.000+01:00

We had our second foray in to camping at the weekend, in Conwy, north wales. It was lovely. The sun shone and we had a great and relaxing time.

this was helped by the fact that Jon's mum and dad were also at the campsite in their lovely plush caravan. Most handy.

I didn't do much exercise last week and was feeling bad, so we walked for several miles up and down the sea fron at Llandudno. There were lots of elderley people and mobility scooters!

I'm itching for my summer holiday now.

wobbly 8

2010-04-07T16:10:00.001+01:00

Originally uploaded by memmsy

Here I am! this is a picture of me at the last pub after having cycled all the way round in the rain and cold of a good friday in Cheshire.

After this I cycled about another 3-4 miles home. Man I was utterly knackered by the time I got back.

My mum made me laugh as she really didn't think I would have managed it (way to go on the encouragement front mum!) - and I must admit I was nervous, but I did just fine.

I wasn't the fastest, but I had a really good time. Jon was amazingly patient and didn't complain about rolling along at a snails pace.

Onwards and upwards.

2010-04-01T16:33:00.003+01:00

Woah life and work are nuts. I'm rubbish at exercise and today have eaten a piece of easter egg the size of my face (slight eggageration *sic).

Well it's the big day tomorrow -time to take my bike on the road and drink beer. I'm really excited about it, and it's very strange to step in to the shoes of myself 2 to 3 years ago when I couldn't have physically attempted this. There were definitley confidence issues to, but my fitness levels and being even biggerness (not a real word) made it not possible.

I think the weekend will then also be filled with lots of wine, cake and other stuff, but hey it's easter. I'm really looking forward to some quality time with my loved ones.

Easter is not important to me in terms of religion - as I don't really have one, but increasingly as I get older I find the regeneration and rebirth of the year a really positive time, new beginnings, and everything fresh and green.

I might be fresh and blue tomorrow as the weather forecast looks shit!

Happy Easter.

spring time for cyclists

2010-03-21T21:13:00.002Z

went for a great big bike ride today. The sun was shining (mostly) and I need to get in practice for the Mobberley 8 that's on good friday. ( a bike ride round lots of pubs!)

It went pretty well, and we cycled along the side of a river that runs near us. There was a great incentive as we were cycling to a pub to have lunch. I really pushed myself on the first half of the journey and we cycled for quite a distance.

the pub was lovely, got to sit in the garden and drink a pint while we ate tasty ham sandwiches (despite loads of roaming dogs and screaming children)

On the way back I was done in. It felt like there was no juice left in my system. I made it back fine, and in terms of stamina, I'm really impressed with myself.

the bike crawl is going to be tough and my bum is quite sore now, but I'm feeling less worried about my ability to 'make it'

cold? me? nooooo

2010-03-16T09:23:00.001Z

cold? me? nooooo
Originally uploaded by memmsy

this is me on saturday. the tent is ace but man alive it was cold. Camping could be fun, I'm not entirely sold yet, but give it time.

argrhg

2010-03-12T12:03:00.003Z

I'm here. I'm working a lot. I've been neglecting you. I've also been neglecting the gym and neglecting weightloss.

All is woe.

Feeling pretty fat and horrible at the moment.

On the plus side, spring is nearly here.

slug

2010-02-28T17:56:00.001Z

feb 007
Originally uploaded by memmsy

here's my sleeping bag!

braaaains

2010-02-28T17:38:00.005Z

hello world. I'm still here, but also a bit of a zombie. The blog has taken a backseat for the sad reason that I just couldn't be arsed. Which is a sad state of affairs. I'm still in the midst of the winter glooms, and the sooner the sunlight comes and the winter is banished the better.

so what the hell has been going on in my world?

I've not lost any weight
I've not been going to the gym enough
when I have gone to the gym I've really enjoyed it.
I went to the gym twice this week, 2 days in a row. (one of them was my day off and I did a workout then steamed myself and sat in the jacuzzi!)
I've been eating lots of crap. Again, the cold and the dark really seems to control my food moods. Chocolate is my friend. And Burritos.
We've bought a tent! OMG. I'm wondering if I've lost my marbles. Jon and I are going to go exploring in it this summer. In the past I was really intimidated by camping as I found it physically demanding. I'm hoping my increased fitness is going to reduce some of the discomfort.
I restrung my violin. Holy shit the difference is amazing. It was well worth the painful expenditure of £45 for the strings.
Work has been interesting, and has taken over my life in a different way than usual. It's been emotionally draining.
I bought a brilliant plus size sleeping bag (picture below) It was on sale at the camping shop round the corner, and I've never seen anything like it! Perfect and super snuggly. I've struggled to find one that I wasn't so tightly fastened in to that I ended up uncomfortable and cold, as when you compress the down in the bag, it stops insulating (thanks professor Jon) - I tell you when I win the lottery, I'm going to start up a business for plus size active equipment and clothes. And when I say plus size I don't just mean like a size 16-18 as some companies these days consider to be 'for the fatties' - there is money to be made here!
Every time I've been to the gym I've gone on the exercise bike. I'm building up my arse - to avoid it going in to shock when I cycle round mobberley for the day on good friday.

So that's my world. It's kinda normal. I promise to be back soon.

Here is a picture of the tent and my sleeping bag

faulty wiring

2010-02-09T19:23:00.000Z

one of the tastiest things I ate last week was this lunch. Most importantly the 2nd box to the left, a box of raw carrot and pepper.

I was crunchy, tasty, sweet and tangy. Nom Nom Nom.

So why I ask you, when such delicacies are not ready prepared and sat in front of me in a cute box with a panda on it do I seem to want to eat anything but these lovely veggies?

It's like everytime I eat fruit and salad I really like it. Then a little switch goes in my head and wipes these memories and replaces them with memories of cake, crisps, biscuits and lard.

I just don't get it?!?!?!

Am I conditioned to only think of bad things as good? Why do I look negatively at healthy food?

ARghrghghghghg

gym good.

2010-01-21T19:58:00.000Z

First visit to the gym of the year this morning.

I've been out of the loop for a bit and although I've still been active (in general) I've not been working out.

I expected to be useless today, but I surprised myself and felt no weaker or slower than I had done before christmas.

This is good news. I am feeling rather pleased with myself. I just need to go every day now!

I also had a little realisation as I was getting changed. I've been so focussed lately on the fact that I haven't 'lost' any weight or 'shrunken' at all, but all the clothes I am wearing today are 4 sizes smaller than the clothes I was wearing nearly 2 years ago. I couldn't have fitted in to these clothes then, even if I'd wanted to, and I thought of myself as not being a person that was that size! I know I still have a lot to go, but lets face it, stability is a good achievement.

what's happening this year?

2010-01-13T18:22:00.000Z

Well as you can see I'm down in the dumps, but what good things do I want to do about it? Well, I'm not one for resolutions or shit like that but,

I'm aiming to drop a dress size this year.
It's actually been a whole year now since I last noticably shrank. This is crap. I'm not expecting miracles, but I demand that by the end of 2010, I will have gone down one more size.
I'm going to cycle the Mobberley 8. This is a rather drunken bike ride around 8 (well 10 acutally but that's by the by) pubs near to my parents house. The idea is to have a nice country cycle and a pint at each one! (no chance!) In the past I have always driven and chauffered my parents around so they could drink. The thought of cycling it was crazy to me. I know think it's achievable, although will be quite a challenge. Jon and I will do it together and hopefully my friend vic will too. It's not a race, but it's something I really couldn't have attempted 2 years ago. It's not quite a marathon, but hey....
I'm directing a musical this year. It's my first time as 'director' and it's going to be a real challenge. I'm excited but really nervous at the same time. It's going to be a real life experience kinda thing, with tears and tantrums, but hopefully a great end result. Rehearsals are really near my gym, so hopefully I'll be able to combine the two from time to time to up my gym attendance.
I need to stop eating. Any ideas, just let me know.

what does the future hold?

2010-01-12T19:11:00.000Z

This is my garden, well it was like this till yesterday, finally the thaw has started. This is very unusual weather for the northwest of england and although it's been fun, the trivialities of day to day life have been really affected. Getting anywhere has been difficult and it's been bloody freezing.

I've not been to the gym yet in 2010, and it's not for want of trying! Last week I couldn't get the car out of the drive and the calories expended in taking public transport (and stress) definitley made up for not going.

This week I'm hoping to go, but I have to admit I'm so bloody knackered with the return to work and stuff that I don't feel up for it.

The OCD part of me is shitting itself as it's the longes I've gone without 'proper' exercise, as in what my internal scale identifies as 'proper'. I suppose it's becuase I'm petrified that this means that I've broken the charm and I'm going to stop going to the gym and stop getting fitter and losing weight.

Fear of failure. It's everywhere, all the time and it sucks. I'm definitley not quite myself at the moment, and it's definitley the time of year and all that, but what really worries me is I have no real clue as to what is getting me down. I'm not sitting around wishing for something else, or regretting actions. I just don't really seem to care.

I don't care whether I lose weight (but I do at the same time!) I don't really care about going to the gym, I don't really care what I look like, and I don't really give a flying fuck about what other people think. I'm not sure if this is actully worse than being all uptight and worried about all those things! Being worried sort of spurred me in to action, for fear of not succeeding, whereas now I'm just wading through general apathy. Nothing really matters anymore.

I know this is just normal, it's a phase of introvesion, apathy, existentialism and winter blues, but it's been going on for about 4 months now and I'm quite fed up. I just don't really care enough to bother to kick myself out of it.

the fabled mocha cake

2010-01-03T21:13:00.001Z

the fabled mocha cake
Originally uploaded by memmsy

So I spent the first 3 days of my holidays baking and making cakes this holiday.

There was a lot. I have come to the conclusion that my family holds far too much stock in cakes. I think there are sentimental reasons attached to them as much as taste related ones! The cake above is a recreation of a crazy confection my grandma used to make. It was quite a triumph but considering it was just one of many cakes it kinda got lost in the melee!

I used to laugh at my grandmother when she used the phrase 'over faced' when talking about food. She was a great cook and desperate to feed other people, but herself painfully underweight for the majority of her life.

I can imagine someone who only ate as much as her being terrified by the onslaught of dishes at our house at christmas.

Next year I will vow to still make cakes, and lovely tasty things, but I'm going to try and curb the craziness. You know when you have people coming and you look at the buffet and think "arrrrrgh there is way too much stuff here!!!" and then there is loads??? Well I need to work on this.

Food is a nightmare isn't it???

glad tidings

2010-01-03T19:47:00.002Z

Hello. I'm still here.

I realise I've been a little absent over the last 2 weeks, but it's been christmas and new year. So I decided to have a proper holiday from everything.

that even includes no exercise this week. I'm a little freaked out as I've not hada week off in over 2 years, but even an article in mens health discussed the merits of having a week off to let muscles repair and stuff.

I've had a great christmas. I've been busy and had a lot to do, but I've also had a good break. I'm a bit down in the dumps in general, but that's pretty normal for this time of year and I'm hoping in the new year things will pick up a bit.

I'm lucky enough to have an extra couple of days off this week so I get to prolong the christmas period.

At the moment it's -6 out there and seriously icy, so I may just have to hunker down for the next 2 days (poor jont has to go back to work!)

I've got that real new year feeling that we all get of wanting to clear out and clean up. Time to shed extra stuff and start afresh, things are cyclical I suppose. I must admit I'm ready to stop eating crud (although I'll keep it up for a day or so more!)

Happy new year to everyone, I think 2010 is going to be a good one. 2009 wasn't that bad either!

gym farting etiquette

2009-12-16T20:14:00.000Z

Ok....

this is a question for you all, well mainly the men, but in the changing rooms do the men fart? Do they do it freely and without fear? Are they proud to parp?

Because in the Ladies all is silent. Well apart from the grunter and the spraying of many noxious gasses involved in daily beauty regimes. This is mainly on my mind because, well, ahem, today, after a really long and hard workout (59 minutes with an average heart rate of 122) I repaired to the changing room and quite frankly REALLY wanted to fart.

I think it's frowned upon in the Ladies. I was starting to panic when I went for my shower as I feared it might just happen anyway and echo off the walls of the bathroom.

I'd like some opinions on farting in public places. I think we women are hard done by.

Am I just getting old?

2009-12-10T18:44:00.000Z

Do you know what? I am so totally not feeling christmassey. Everywhere I go I'm surrounded by a full on attack of christmas, shops, radio, the office.

I really don't care. I feel a bit like I'm pretending, or like I'm an actor in my life at the moment. Everything is going on around me and I'm just letting it happen.

Things aren't all bleak, - for example I'm looking forward to a break from work, and I'm looking forward to spending quality time with my family.

It just has absolutley nothing christmassey about it! I wish I could just eat a mince pie or drink some gluwein and it would instantly turn on my fairy lights, but I've tried and it hasn't worked.

If this is what being a grown up is like, and I have to put up with this every year from now on, I'm going to be really gutted.

Is it me?

all you need is love, and an inhaler!

2009-12-05T16:03:00.001Z

london 019
Originally uploaded by memmsy

Well we went to London last week. A lovely time all round, although quite frankly how anyone manages to live in that city is beyond me. Everyone runs, EVERY where, regardless of the location or the time of day, people behave as if they are running to get to the last train out of a doomed city. It’s ridiculous. At times it totally overwhelmed us.

A good mooch around the British Museum was had, although again, the area I really wanted to hang out in – ancient Egypt was also the area the rest of the tourist population wanted to be in too. Mostly people seemed to want to have their photo taken infront of glass cases full of mummies. I’ve no idea why and actually it seemed rather mawkish.

The most unfortunate part of the weekend was my inability to climb the 193 steps at covent garden train station. Well, I did climb it, but it left me feeling so dreadfully ill when I got to the top that it had a bit of a negative effect on my afternoon. I felt really embarrassed as Jon hardly broke a sweat and there I was feeling shocking.

It wasn’t just an ordinary set of stairs, don’t get me wrong – it’s an emergency exit, and has warning signs, telling you not to use the steps unless you really want to.

But it left me feeling fat, unfit, embarrassed and like an invalid.

weird day

2009-11-24T22:03:00.000Z

good day? weird day?

went to gym - good
didn't get up early enough to do a long work out - bad
change is a foot at work, steep learning curve - bad
this leads to new challenges and knowledge - good
Went to an amazing deli to get a sandwich - good
went arse over tit on the way out and hit my shin and bad hip - v. bad (dignity also slightly damaged)
Long and emotional session with hypnotherapist touching on some dark stuff - bad
Feeling better after he has helped me to see some light at the end of the tunnel - good
going to see the new twilight film tongiht - street cred ruined - bad
lots of hunky men running around with no shirt on - good

lots to process.

odd job

2009-11-20T10:59:00.001Z

20/11/2009
Originally uploaded by memmsy

now, this is going to seem like the lamest excuse, but I didn't go to the gym this morning...... because I found a dog!

Last night on my way home I found this little chap running in the road at 11pm. After looking for his owner with no luck I popped him in my car and took him home.

I then had to wake up Jon and explain why there would be a small dog in the kitchen when he woke up!

I'm now sat at home waiting for the dog warden to come and collect him. I've fed him crackers with pate on, as thats the only vaguely dog suitable food in the house, and he turned his nose up at crackers without the pate!

He is smelly and a little needy, but I rather like him. Anyway, I promise to go to the gym as soon as possible, and I thank the lord that I work for a company that doesn't sack me when I phone them up to say I'm looking after a stray dog for the morning.

My life is getting more random.

jingle....

2009-11-13T14:08:00.001Z

Not the best photo of Nic and myself to be found, but Hark! Hark! The christmas market is on its way. Hundreds of little wooden sheds are being erected around the city and covered in fairl lights. In about a week they will open up and start selling over priced craft, chocolates, and booze.

This is great news. Over the past few years I've worked out that as a source of gifts for christmas the markets are not economically viable and actually don't sell anything you really like or want, however - they don't half make me feel 'christmassey'

Glugging Gluhwien when I'm freezing cold, burning my mouth on huge bratwurst, drinking hot cider, watching macaroons being freshly made... then eating them...

ahhhh.

I LOVE IT. I am going to be destitute and sat at my desk reeking of amaretto before the month is out. uh oh.

If anyone wants to join me, just shout!

2009-11-12T18:32:00.000Z

So I'd forgotten that work had set us up with a sort of mini health insurance programme. I pay a bit and they pay a bit and I'm covered for various private treatments! To my overseas readers, the UK is blessed to have a national health service, which means free health care for everyone, but as a result of this it can be slow, very oversubscribed and our GP's don't do extra checks unless they really have to.

I've not claimed anything back yet and my colleague pointed out that seeing as I'm feeling crap I can go and have a 'well woman' check at BUPA ..... this is like an M.O.T, they'll poke and prod me in all manner of ways and look at my wee. Hurrah.

Now I'm pretty certain that the main response from these people will be - you are too fat and unfit, but I can cope with that bit. I just need them to do the other stuff to make sure that nothing else is bothering me. It costs alot of money, so I would never normally do something like this but seeing as I get it for free (sort of!) I'm going to give it a try.

Doctors in the morning to ask them to check my thyroid. Then off to see the lovely Martin, to let him look at my feet ( I can claim for podiatry too! - I'll let you know how that goes later!)

Mid Loaf Crisis

2009-11-05T19:35:00.000Z

Jon pointed out that would be a good blog post for me during a discussion on our bread machines capability to carry on making bread for a certain amount of time if the power gets shut off. Not long enough to make a loaf of bread, but hey ho!

I'm totally off kilter and out of sorts at the moment. Don't really feel like myself. I actually slept in today. Don't know whether I forgot to turn the alarm off or whether in actual fact I turned if off in my sleep. I was actually having some really nice solid sleep when I rolled over and glanced at the clock to notice it was already 9:15 - but funnily enough that woke me right up!

I've noticed I'm spelling things wrong, forgetting stuff and generally being a bit of an idiot. So I've booked myself in to see the doctor next week. I expect it's probably nothing, but after having felt off for several months now, it would be foolish to avoid it any longer.

I'm avoiding lots I think. I've not been policing myself about food or exercise at all. This is to be expected and isn't a nightmare, I just don't know how to get back on track, so I've done what has been needed for ages, and booked myself in to see my hypnotherapist again. Long overdue really, but it's an expensive thing to be doing when it's not entirely necessary.

I've just lost my mojo in general - if anyone has seen it, please can you pop it in a ziplock bag and send it back??

interesting news

2009-10-30T21:34:00.001Z

Link to an interesting BBC news story on Fattism. Not exactly rocket science, but heartening to know it's being discussed!

I made a comment but they rarely get added.

Grunt, pant, argh, huff, puff

2009-10-29T19:01:00.000Z

Guess what I did today?

If you haven't guessed, I dontated blood. I'm not the squeamish type, so these things don't really bother me, but I realised it had been far too long since I last did it, and our offices are really close to the donation place, so I seized the moment. There was a minor gushing incident at the end, but all seems well now. I'll probably end up with my arm covered in bruises, but I think it's a worthy cause

If you can do it - DO IT!

Man, I'm tired. Managed the gym this morning, which is good, as I'd slipped in to a once a week ritual, which really isn't good enough.

After avoiding the cross trainer for a month or so to rest my hip, I realised it was time to get back on the horse (or machine if you rather) - and just did 10 minutes. I did all my other stuff too, and to be honest by the end of it I was really knackered.

My heart rate monitor doohickey told me I was exercising for 38 minutes with an average heartrate of 125 - which is pretty high actually, I thank the cross trainer for this - and a rather determined effort on the rowing machine.

Speaking of rowing machines, it's not getting any easier! 5 minutes is my absolute max, but hey, if it's tiring me out, then it's working, so I'll keep doing it.

My gym timing is definitley off because since my post about the gym grunter, as we have been changing next door to each other every time since! I was worried after my post that I was over reaccting and giving her a hard time. I was SO not. She sounds sooooo silly. Grunt, pant, argh, huff, puff.

tidy time

2009-10-29T14:51:00.000Z

So the blog is getting a bit messy.

This is great as I've done soooo much exercise that the list goes on and on and on. As I'm a stats junky, I'm loathed to get rid of it, so after some thought I realised that Google Docs could probably do what I wanted, and it can!

So if you look at the top left (well, down from the top a bit) you'll see a new section saying

Stuff that was getting in the way, so I moved it here!

Year 1 Exercise Statistics

You can click on the link (if you so wish) and be taken to a web page holding all the data from year one of my exercise programme.)

*Smug face*

stodge

2009-10-22T21:44:00.000+01:00

I'm sure the seasons conspire against us all.

I love the autumn, with it's falling leaves and reddy browns, but every year I am hit with the same dull lethargy. It's almost as if the lack of day light is stealing the energy away from me.

All I want to do right now is curl up in bed with thick socks on read a good book, whilst eating stew and cake. That could get messy!

Actually that is the point, why when it gets colder do we crave stodgy bad food? I seem to be eating twice as much as usual, and my attention is always drawn to the thickest, carbohydrate loaded food I can find.

Makes me a bit miserable really.

On the plus side, my office is right next door to Kendals (or House of Fraser it's now known) and one of my banks decided to send me a voucher for no particular reason. I spent the whole of my lunch hour mooching around in the department store, and ended up with some rather snazzy makeup.

Decided it's time to perk myself up a bit.

Went to the gym on my day off on Monday and did another 5 mintues on the rowing machine. It wasn't any easier! Don't want to walk before I can run, so each time I go I'm just going to try and do the 5 mintues until that gets a bit easier.

charlies angles.

2009-10-22T16:40:00.002+01:00

Originally uploaded by memmsy

this is how I spent my weekend, getting totally knackered, wearing a purple wig. It's not really worth me explaining the wigs, but suffice it to say, I spent the days prancing around Platt Fields Park in Manchester and Piccadilly Gardens with a giant purple double decker bus.

The bigvbus to be precise.

This is part of my job! I sometimes wonder for my sanity.!!!!

gym grunter

2009-10-15T19:03:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I went on a rowing machine for the first time EVER.

I plucked up the courage as I am trying to stay away from the cross trainer, and needed something to add to my session on the wind jammer, so after 10 minutes raising the sails, I went for it.

I told myself I'd only do 5 minutes as it's completley new to me, but that 5 minutes solid without stopping would be a reasonable start.

Jesus it's tough!! I had it on quite high resistance, but my arms are strong (thank you wind jammer!) but actually it was the repetetive movement of bringing the knees up to the chest that was noticeable. After 3 minutes I was ready to stop, not cause I was out of breath but because the feeling was new to me and I was using new muscles, it just felt a bit weird, but I just kept on going for the last 2 minutes and pushed myself a little harder.

I'm a little sore now, but pleased I've tried something new. Next time I go back I'm going to try for a couple of minutes longer.

Now, to the subject of my post title. My fellow gym goers are a mixed bunch, from the early rising retired person, to the non-vain jock (the vain ones come at tea time so they can show off thier muscles to a packed audience!), and the pre work crowd. I'm in the pre work crowd. We all arrive grumpy, but by the time we are all drying our hair together we are chatty and ready to hit the world of work. We vary in ages, sizes, social skills, tastes, and manners. But I have now added a new category; - volumes.

A young, slim, kind lady who I often bump in to after my work out when I'm getting changed is the noisiest huffer and puffer in the world! It's actually getting comical now. When she arrives at the cubicles to get changed for the showers she announces her arrival with a few "phewwwww" "hooooo" "aaaaahhhhhh's" and much more puffing, panting and generally announcing to the world that she is hot, and thoroughly worn out.

Good for you nice, young, blonde lady. Well done on your work out. Time to feel good for the rest of the day.....

now SHUT UP! You sound like someone in labour, or even worse someone getting pregnant!

The noises off that are caused by her getting dressed after her shower are even more impressive. I'm starting to wonder if she is trying to put on a latex all in one outfit underneath her work suit, as I've seen and heard people putting on wet suits with less effort.

Now don't get me wrong, I am out of breath at the first mention of any effort, and when I'm doing exercise I will breathe deeply and heavily, but man, this lady is something else!

my new desk!

2009-10-14T11:13:00.001+01:00

my new desk!
Originally uploaded by memmsy

sorry chaps, I am here, but I've been in the middle of a big old move.

We've moved offices, to a new city centre location and all is hustle and all is bustle.

This is my new desk. It is now full of laptop and crap and the pen pot is so full of pens that my colleagues have been ridiculing me.

We've said goodbye to 10 years of crap at the old place and in the 3 years I've been here I've accumulated all sorts of rubbish that I just don't need.

The clearout has been tiring, but refreshing. I got the bug and threw out a load of old and frankly scruffy clothes.

As well as moving loads of other work stuff and helping out with our Am Dram society has kept me away from the blog and has forced me in front of many rushed dinners and less gym visits than normal.

Well, when I say normal, I'm still doing at least one solid piece of physical exercise a week, and the number of boxes i have shifted in the past week was certainly quite a work out.

I am still a legend for having done 1 year and 13 weeks worth of exercise, without a week off, but I need to step up a gear I think

2009-10-01T17:10:00.000+01:00

Aside from the dodgy photo and the ill fitting clothes - here is my impromptu new 'do! Walked past a hairdressers (in Wigan no less!) on my lunch break and popped in to see if they could fit me in for a speedy chop. £23 pounds (about $40) and 30 minutes later it was done!

Most pleased.

it's a little bit funny

2009-09-30T18:45:00.001+01:00

Gee I feel lousy at the moment. - In spirit I'm pretty chipper, but physically I'm not. I'm super tired, and really struggling to get up in the morning, I feel cold all the time (even when Jon informs me I'm not at all!), and I'm just feeling sicky and groggy. No real symptoms but just eughgh.

My back and hip have continued to be painful and I'm beginning to wonder if it's the cross trainer (well the hip part anyway) that is aggravating my left hip. As a result of this I'm going to experiment and just not use the cross trainer for a week or so. It's a shame really as its the easiest way for me to do a good 35 minutes of heart pumping exercise - bikes are no fun unless real ones, and running is high impact, not good for the joints. Instead I'm just going to do muscles, vibrating plate machine, the arm bike and anything else that springs to mind.

I cycled to the pub on sunday with my friend vicky! It was fab. Just a short round trip of about 5 miles, but it was through park area and along the side of a river, so very safe and fun. I think Jon and I may have to visit for a Sunday Lunch some time soon.

Last week was a great week for exercise, 2 gym sessions and 2 bike rides. I'm really impressed with myself.

The graze boxes are still going down a treat, I'm loving chili crackers, although Goji Berries are bloody minging! I've told them not to send me any more of them.

My umbrella came and it is LOVELY - ~I'll try and get a pic up soon.

I'm singing in a concert tonight - not done that for ages. Should be fun. I'll have to change my trousers first- a) because the stink of vinegar, after I made chutney at the weekend. They were hanging up to dry in the kitchen at the time! Dur. b) because I didn't realise but these are my giant trousers from before weightloss started - all jeanst look the same to me, and I don't have a belt with me so may lose them at any moment!

I promise I'm not hiding.

2009-09-22T19:11:00.000+01:00

I've sort of been hiding from my blog a bit. hmmm. Sorry about that chaps. Need to sort myself out. I think its time to book in to see Adrian the Hypnotherapist again, as I keep telling myself ' I don't need to see Adrian' - this is usually a good sign that I do.

Having real difficulties with the get out of bed at 6am thing. I realise this is never an easy task, but I have actually just been going back to sleep. Which is funny really as the last 2 times i've done and early gym visit I've really enjoyed it. I really hate that the mornings are dark now. I love autumn and winter but I'm pretty certain I suffer (as I think everyone does a bit) with SAD - not terribly but enough to make me feel quite, ahem sad.

on the plus side, the picture above is from my staff xmas do in 2006 (sorry to my colleague Rob for attaching you to this post!) - look at how fat my face is! I'm shocked. I don't always see a difference in the photo's of me as I've gotten thinner, but this is pretty clear to me.

I look a hell of a lot better now. I feel really sorry for this Emma when I look at her.

I've not done a list for ages so here we go.

Good things.....

my heart rate is getting good at slowing down when resting - ie: I get puffed out but it goes away when I stop.
I'm excited about cycling to a friends house for a meal on friday night
My oven is fixed - hurrah I've missed it so much
I'm lots thinner than I was in that picture above
Doing things like gardening and washing the car although tiring, are not an issue anymore. In the past I simply woudn't have bothered.
In the past few months I have bought clothes from the following places - M&S, Asda, Tesco, Evans, Matalan and Yours. In the past I could only really get clothes from Evans. I like a bit more variety!
I'm totally getting my money's worth out of the gym
I've just ordered a fancy umbrella like this....

Bad things....

I'm totally eating when I'm not hungry
Getting out of bed feels impossible
My trousers haven't shrunken in an absolute age
I don't feel like blogging that often anymore
My oven is fixed - bring on the pizza and oven chips!
The gym seems to give me athletes foot on a weekly basis (yeuch)
I may have lost weight but I'm feeling trapped in a world of spare skin
I feel quite fat and ugly

31 and underwhelmed

2009-09-15T16:50:00.003+01:00

So I had my birthday. All in all it was good. A nice day out with my friend to see some monkeys and some lovely lunch, beatuiful and generous presents. It still didn't really feel like a birthday though. Don't really know what that is all about. If this is what getting older is like, I'll be really gutted.

I cycled over 6 miles last night! We going to our friends house for game night and as jon has a new bike (picture to follow) - which he is in LOVE with, he wanted to cycle. I then blurted out that I'd join him!

I immediatley regretted this as I was really paranoid about it being too far, too hard, too dangerous, too tiring, too embarrassing and many other things. However I decided to sieze the moment. I don't really use my bike to actually 'go' anywhere, just to hang around in the park. My road safety skills aren't that great (I get easily distracted.)

So Jon adorned me and my bike with things that flashed and or flouresced and made me look like a giant tit, and off we went.

I made it ! It was ok! On the way home there were 2 hills (tiny ones) and I was worried about having to get off and push, and I didn't! I was pretty tired at 10.30 on the way back, and had to stop to get my breath back, but I made it.

Today my bum is rather tender and my thighs are telling me that they did some work.

I am however really proud of myself. I'm quite terrified of being stuck somewhere without the means to get home/to safety with ease. This is part laziness, part neuroses and part being used to my body not actually being capable of getting me home under my own steam.

I now seem to have some steam of my own.

evidence

2009-09-08T11:04:00.005+01:00

Hurrah hurrah, look at the photo at the top! That is me when I started working at my current place of work about 3 and a half years ago, and then look at the picture below taken this summer!

That is real evidence of weight loss.

I feel good.

Despite some seriously annoying back ache that I've had for weeks now.

I'm getting older this monday. According to my blog I'm still 29 and a bit and Jon has been nagging at me to change it. As of monday I'll be 29 and a bit and then a bit more. Boo.

look at these bad boys!

2009-09-04T10:20:00.001+01:00

03/09/2009
Originally uploaded by memmsy

I needed new gym shoes. I now have new clown shoes.

They are the craziest looking sneakers in the world, but I got them from sports direct (where they sell ends of lines and stuff) and as they are such a weird colour they were reduced from £70 ($114) to £35 ($57) - as they were pretty comfy and quite clearly better quality than some of the other shoes I decided to bite the bullet. I'm quite a colourful person, so the are quite 'me'.

I did look a bit of a dick in the gym, but lets face it, don't we all?

Went upstairs this morning. The cross trainer was really tough. Either I'm getting ill or this one was a bit stiffer than the other ones I use as my heart rate was through the roof. Made it through the session ok but it was super tiring.

I also have to say a big up (what ever the hell that means) to my gym buddy Caro, who has been to the gym 3 times this week before work. I'm well impressed.

me and my graze box

2009-09-01T10:42:00.002+01:00

me and my graze box
Originally uploaded by memmsy

my new favourite thing....

www.graze.com

type in 97BG1BCB to get a box for FREE then one for £1.50 (then cancel subscription when you have to pay full price later!)

I'm currently tucking in to macadamia nuts. mmmmm

'citing!

2009-08-27T18:32:00.000+01:00

This is my lovely friend Sarah, and her Graze box. She has just directed me to thier website!

www.graze.com

it's so exciting! Basically you get sent a lovely box of tasty things through the post to keep you nourished through the day.

it's not that cheap (£2.99), however they are just starting off so if you use this code

1BCZ2FRL

you get a box for free and then one for £1.50, you can hand pick your box or get them to choose for you. I, for example hate dried apricots, so I have clicked an option to avoid all potential apricots.

After I've had my cheapies, I don't know whether I'll have them regularly, but they seem quite nice, and only take money when you have a box, so I plan on cancelling it after the first 2, unless they are too good to turn down. Look how happy Sarah is !!! - she is sold.

Box one arrives on tuesday. I can't wait!

good gym session today. Matched my top strides and calories burned on the cross trainer.

I'm still here!

2009-08-26T16:41:00.002+01:00

Sorry chaps, I'v just realised how long it's been.

This is a picture of where I was at the weekend. A beautiful wedding of an old school friend in Dartmouth.

Unfortunatley as England is BROKEN it meant vicky and I spent a large proportion of our 4 day break in traffic jams.

Everything is haywire at the moment, eating is out of order, no gym yet this week, as the weekend was too knackering and I don't know if I'm coming or going.

bought some new jeans yesterday. No smaller sizes which is sad (and they are super tight like new jeans from the wash!) - but I suppose I need to be glad about the fact that they are still much smaller jeans than I used to wear.

I'm behind on all my chores, I have hedges to trim (how bloody glamourous!) my new car to hoover and clean (I'm a little obsessed) and loads more. Infact I bought the new jeans because I'd run out of clean ones!

It's a bank holiday weekend this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. A ladies night in with my friend michelle on friday and a family gathering on sunday. Should be fun.

Just need to shake myself up a bit. Come on Coggers!!!

PB broken, Bolt eat your heart out

2009-08-17T18:56:00.000+01:00

So the week starts well.

Listened to paul mckenna last night at bed time for the first time in I don't know how long. It was refreshing and relaxing. Will try to listen again tonight.

Off to the gym this morning and my friend Caro turned up too. Was nice having someone to chat to as you get changed, although chatting when training is tough as you have to concentrate! And I'm out of puff too.

I'm a bit of a cross trainer legend. Today I beat my PB. 3950 strides in 33 minutes. Get in! Was listening to my ipod and found it tricky to find tracks to fit my pace. Wish there was a gizmo that did this for me! When I started training I was lucky to do 2500 strides in a session. I'm pleased.

Then a nice sushi lunch with my bro. This restaurant has opened up near my office Wasabi and at lunchtime, plates are all £1. Healthy, tasty and cheap! Result.

well

2009-08-14T18:56:00.000+01:00

i did it - I went to the gym this morning although I would have paid someone every penny I owned not to go.

Despite not training since last week, and having had a cold I managed to just pip my PB on the cross trainer - 3700 steps in 33 minutes and 380 calories burned.

Now I just need to stop eating.

arse

2009-08-13T18:24:00.000+01:00

(above - my family say goodby to my old car - VUG)

I need to get my arse in gear. I think I've been letting myself take an easy ride. I'm not losing weight.

The gym thing is ok - I've just been a bit ill so I'm allowed to take it easy on that front, however on the food front I'm not being very responsible.

It's time to give myself a strict talking to. But I seem to keep avoiding myself- if that is possible.

I've decided this weekend to re read the Paul McKenna book and listen to the cd. It's been over a year. I need to buck my ideas up.

Any poking and prodding greatly appreciated.

emms x

shrimp goi cuon

2009-08-09T11:32:00.001+01:00

shrimp goi cuon
Originally uploaded by memmsy

I made these! They are soft, raw spring rolls, with prawns, vegetables and herbs in . Very tasty, and lacking in many calories!

I've had a funny week really, just got iller and iller. I'm on the mend now, but still a little wobbly. Going to try and gym it tomorrow, but I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it if I don't.

I've been a bit of a demon in the garden this weekend, despite my illness, and have mowed the lawn and attaked the hedges, both long overdue, and have now got scracthes blisters and muscle aches to prove it. Gardening really is as good as going to the gym!

I've been letting things slip food wise for some odd reason, and comfort eating. Probably cause I've been a bit ill. I'm not stopping when I'm satisfied. Its not like I'm stuffing my gob till i feel sick, but I'm not excactly being disciplined.

I'm a bit cross with myself. Perhaps I need to give myself a bit of a bollocking.

snotter

2009-08-05T22:17:00.000+01:00

I don't think it's swine flu but..... I'm not too hot. Cough, sore throat and snot. Joy.

I think this means that I'm not going to manage my 3 gym trips this week. just walking up the stairs has me huffing and puffing.

exercise when ill is a little futile, but why make things worse.

I've steered clear of the new cross trainers, as they are a pile of pants. Did a really good session on the one old one they left behind. Managed a personal best for number of steps and calories burnt in a 33 minute program.

need sleep and more pills

not myself

2009-07-31T20:51:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling disticntly other for several weeks now. I've been constantly tired and feeling a little off. Everyone at work has some sort of lurgy, and although mine hasn't developed in to anything major I've been feeling fairly craptastic.

Was hoping for 3 early gym visits this week, but tiredness got the better of me and I've only done 2. That's pretty good. But more importantly....

the bastards at the gym have upgraded all the machinery! More to the point they've gotten rid of my cross trainer! I'm glad they've given us some new machinery as some of the stuff was in a right old state, but the new cross trainers are utter shit.

I suppose I should be pleased that I can tell that they are shit, but my workout is going to take a hit using these pieces of crap. They are smaller, and sleeker, but are much less stable. The foot plates for your feet don't have edges on them so you can fall off easily, If you hold on to the heart rate monitor grips, your elbows get hit by the movement of the arm poles, and actually I feel like the stride length on them is tiny, so I'm not properly stretching. Added to which they are oddly weighted so when you get on the machine it's like trying to start riding a bike that has been left in top gear.

Then we get to the 'computer'. The old machine, let me select a weight loss programme, count the number of steps I did, the time progressed, the number of calories used, distance travelled, watts generated (whatever!) and my heart rate - it also had a seperate monitor that showed how to keep your heart rate in the right zone for either weightloss or cardio.

The new machines don't. They have weird programmes, count down the time remaining, but only flash the time remaining up about once a minutes so if you don't watch the screen through your work out you can't tell where you are up to, it shows my heart rate, but quite frankly I knew it was lying as I had to stop for a rest half way through (I NEVER do this normally) and it said my heart rate was pretty low when my heart was pounding in my ears. It doesn't give you a total number of steps done, just counts up to 1000 then starts again at the bottom, and only showed me calorie counts every now and again, and I couldn't work out what was going on as it seemed to keep dropping the amount of calories I'd burned.

Anyway. after 25 minutes I stopped for a drink (all the machines work by the energy generated by us pedalling) and the machine went in to pause mode. and after a minutes switched itself off losing all the bloody timing and data from my session, so I didn't even finish my work out as I was so pissed off.

I had an uncomfortable, unproductive workout, where I don't know what I achieved, and I had to stop twice for a rest as I was out of breath even though the heart rate monitor said I'd hardly broken a sweat.

HURUMPH

A year in the life.

2009-07-21T18:25:00.000+01:00

Hang on people..... if you look down the side of my blog (as I just did!) you'll see that I've been doing exercise for a whole sodding year now! 52 weeks of proper exercise!!!! (obviously holiday fortnight was a little slack).

12 weeks what what started this. I was expected to take part in 12 weeks of prescribed exercise by my doctor (on my request) and look where it's gotten me. I never expected to make it through the 12 weeks, let alone the 6 month part.

Well I guess you can say that a habit has been well and truly formed, as I believe it is said you need to repeat something around 24 times to form some sort of habit.

I still sort of think of myself as a pretend exerciser, as an imposter, but I'm bloody not! How many people do I know that have definitley done exercise every week for the last whole year? hmm? Not that many.

I'm special. (In oh so many ways!) I love exercise. I was in the gym at 7 this morning - although to be quite frank I'd have given my left arm to stay in bed and the last 5 minutes on the cross trainer were purgatory. I still feel wonderful afterwards.

Exercise is GOOD for you. Hear me world, it really is.

Crikey. I need to watch this, I sound like one of those annoying people. Infact I'm pretty certain I wrote (about a year ago) about my fear of turning in to a huge haired, pink leotard, suzuki jeep driving, gym intructor called Febreeze. Well I'm not far off by the looks of things!

So in the last year I have

bought a bike (and not ridden it that much)
gone to exercise classes at a local school
tried pilates, yoga, bums n tums, cardio blast, aqua aerobics, body sculpt
set foot inside a gym
joined a gym
renewed my membership at a gym
used weights, cross trainers, treadmills, bikes, vibro things, stretching chairs

Do you want some numbers? Do you? Well I don't care if you do cause I want some numbers.....

Holy Sweatbands Batman ... I've done

5792 minutes of exercise. Five thousand, Seven Hundred and Ninety Two Minutes.
That's 96 and a half hours.
An average of 1.8 hours a week
That's 4 solid days of exercise - 24 hours a day.
I've been to the gym 39 times
Average gym visit costing me £5.66 - not too shabby really

Holy Shit

And lets not focus on weightloss for a moment but think - what has this exercise done?

increased my confidence
I can get upstairs without being out of breath
I enjoy pushing myself physically
I can touch the floor
Cutting my toenails is MUCH easier
I'm stronger and able to do more
I don't avoid things (quite as much) as I think they'll be too hard
I nearly fell in to a large waterfall as I felt able to tackle the steep path!
I can tell when my body is talking to me - asking for different food or rest
After exercise I have more energy and feel pretty bloody good.
Helped form new friendships

and LOTS more.

I feel goo.

holiday...

2009-07-17T18:33:00.000+01:00

As I hope you'll agree a tan seems to suit me.

Let me tell you about my holiday. 2 weeks in sunny lanzarote with my dear friend Vic. We spent most of our time taking things easy which was a really nice change from the craziness of life.

it was a bit weird at first as all routiene went out the window and exercise and diet kinda get put on the shelf. As it was pretty warm the appetite does seem to chill out a bit and in general it was a fairly abstemious fortnight. Of course a few ice creams and mojitos slipped in there, but I'm pretty certain that is a legal requirement for all holiday makers.

We got in to the habit of going out in the morning to visit some attraction (photo's to be found here) then returning to our apartment and heading down to the pool. Most days we sat reading in the sun till around 8pm when the sun went behind the trees!

There were some pretty vicious mosquitos which after a few days of foolish window opening had both of us looking like we had chicken pox. We worked out pretty quickly that closing the apartment up at 9pm was v. important.

I didn't really do any proper exercise which was weird, but I was in the pool every day, although not really swimming, more bobbing around and doing stretches. As it was so warm, just things like carrying the shopping back from the car brought you out in quite a sweat, so I suppose in that sense the heart rate is up and calories are being burned that wouldn't ordinarily be at home.

To be honest, I never felt ready to come back to normality. I really do think I could be a lady of leisure. Can someone win me the lottery please?

Next post to come, I think I've lost some weight!

I'm back

2009-07-13T10:58:00.001+01:00

9641
Originally uploaded by wraggy

2 weeks in lanzarote are over. How sad. Life is slowly coming back to order, although various parts of my house have fallen apart in my absence.

Blogs a plenty in the pipeline.

emms x

weird science

2009-06-30T21:57:00.000+01:00

I'm starting to notice how certain foods affect me at the moment. When I'm being really active and getting up early I'm definitely more hungry, but also - if I eat a candy bar, I really feel the crash afterwards and it just aint fun.

Saurkraut is nice - I've never eaten that before and it is pretty cool.

Apples - man they taste SO good. They have to be cold and really fresh, I like Braeburns the best. I've never noticed fruit tasting so good in all my life. I'm still a fan of the biscuit, never fear, but I'm enjoying the apples too!

best week ever!

2009-06-25T11:40:00.001+01:00

These are my star charts. Yes they look like something a kiddy has to make them eat their tea. I know. But last week I got 21 stars out of 21 - I am a true ninja. This meant that at every meal I ate considerately, took my time, waited till hungry and stopped when full. I regularly get a 19 or a 20 but never before a 21!!!

Now 21 constantly is a little unachievable, and I don't think I'd want to become someone who behaved to puritanically, but I went a week and did perfect!

4 early morning gyms under my belt. 2 in a row this week. I'm proper tired now. Need to get some RnR

Weightloss is not yet apparent but I'm feeling hellishly good. Reckon my pants might fall down soon.

everything is crossed.

How wonderful

2009-06-22T16:46:00.001+01:00

Originally uploaded by wraggy

A photo of me communing with my friends daughter Esme at a picnic in leeds.

what a great shot.

I'm in that crazy pre holiday frenzy - what to pack, where to pack, what needs doing or getting, how many shoes to take. (I have far too many).

Trying to keep my mind on work as I have a few things to get settled before I leave.

Can't wait though.

3 early gym visits down. I am a legend. Hoping to go tomorrow, although 2 days in a row seems a little nuts. The moment of waking is still as awful as ever but the desire to work out and lose weight is a great motivator. The little stones stuck to my snooze button help too!

......

2009-06-19T09:21:00.001+01:00

I was in there at 6:50 am today. Must admit I'm feeling super sluggish, but I did it!

O M G

2009-06-16T18:33:00.000+01:00

Went to see Adrian yesterday.

Today I got up at 6.30 and went to the gym.

OMG. Like O. M. G.

Its time to face facts. I've got the food thing pretty good, and I love to exercise. I just don't seem to find the time to do enough. As I told Adrian it was impossible for me to get up early and go to the gym then as I'm just not one of those people that get up early and go to the gym. Sleep is far more important.

So Adrian asks "how important is weight loss to you?" and I say "more important than ANYTHING in the world!"

So why the hell can't you get up any earlier? He prudently responded?

When you put it like that it suddenly makes sense. I thought it was a bit stupid to get up and go in the morning when I could be snuggled up. I also am a slave to my snooze button.

But no more. Last night I glued small pebbles to my snooze button, so that when I blindly reach out to press it I'll feel little sharp stones. This is a message to myself that to stay in bed and be comfy - although nice, is not helping me to get any thinner.

I have also taped a small Yellow poster to my wall pointing out the fact that needing to stay in bed being more important than anything in the world (which at 6am feels pretty true) is an A F L - an abject fucking lie. Apparently the most important thing in the world (sorry Jon) is getting thinner. So lying in bed is actually damaging my chances of succeeding.

Now don't get me wrong I still didn't want to get out of bed, but as I lay there I did think - well getting thinner is better than an extra hour in bed... and I actually like going to the gym. So up I got.

Well, several hours later- I'm feeling chipper. I know it's that first day feeling, and the plan is for the next few weeks (as holiday is imminent) to aim for 2 early visits a week, which will then increase to 3 and then possibly 4.

As i sat driving to the gym (the sunny morning did help) I felt very happy. I was dancing along to the radio and I felt great. I am carrying that feeling in to the day.

Brimingham for a conference tomorrow and thursday, but a gym visit is planned for friday.

Fingers crossed.

evidence

2009-06-11T17:43:00.001+01:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/memmsy/sets/72157619598220894/

photos are good.

I'm feeling fat and like I'm not getting anywhere at the moment. I'm still plodding on but no visible weight loss.

Went shopping for holiday clothes today and although the sizes I picked fitted (mostly - jeans are always tricksy) I just looked shit in everything I tried on.

Fat people (and some thinnies) really don't suit shorts. But how the hell do you stay cool on holiday? Self image is a little bashed today. Don't want to be waddling around all holiday looking like some whale woman. Which I will be.

Ho hum.

On the plus side, I decided to organise some of my flickr photos, and have made a little set of weightloss evidence portraits. Admittedley some of them are also nice pictures, but between the first and the last there is quite a difference.

This has cheered me up.

Wheely impressive

2009-06-05T15:08:00.001+01:00

Originally uploaded by wraggy

So, Audrey my BIke is out again! Hurrah.

Vic came round on sunday with her BEAUTIFUL new bike. I am very jealous. So Vicky, Jon and I went on a little exppedition to my local park.

This was my first bike ride since last summer, and I was shocked at the improvement in my fitness. Although we were pootling and stopping and starting, the distance I covered was more than double what I could manage last year.

I wasn't fatigued at all and my legs were quite happy with it. I must admit my derriere was more than a little tender afterwards, and I think in general this will always be a problem while I am larger as a great amount of body weight is given only one pressure point - my nethers!

I was planning on a bike ride on tuesday (we are having a heatwave and it was way too hot to go to the gym) but I was feeling really drained by the weather and couldn't face going out.

So last night I went out as it had cooled down. Rather than looping the park several times I actually cycled on the roads that surround the park and cycled half of the parks circumference then cycled in to the park and round about it.

I didn't stop apart from to walk my bike thorough a couple of kissing gates, and did it all in about 30 minutes. I checked on a map today and it's at least 3.5 miles.

I'm really pleased. I'm glad to see the improvement in my general fitness, as even when exercising, if you switch type it can be surprisingly difficult regardless of how good you are at something else. I just wish I had a rack on the back of my car and could take my bike around with me!

Soon I might actually be able to use it to take me somewhere rather than just go in circles!

on hypnosis part 2

2009-06-02T19:13:00.004+01:00

So people often look at me funny when I tell them that I visit a hypnotherapist. This conjures (get the pun) up 2 thoughts mainly - 1 that someone waves a ticking clock in front of my nose and something magical happens and 2 that I will cluck like a chicken when someone says the 'magic' word.

Ok. Well belief is important and infact it is vital for the success of therapies like this - but what you beleive in can be many different things.

Hypnosis is infact a little underwhelming - especially for all you watch swinging people out there. It is about relaxation, taking time out and allowing the brain to look at things in a different way. I've come to understand that hypnosis is a tool that allows us to clear away all the crap that clutters up our behaviour - conditioning, emotion, social surrounding and enables us to see something for what it really is.

Let me take this a step further, by saying that anything that anyone does during the process of a hypnotic trance they do entirely by thier own choice. So those people you see stood on stage biting in to an onion, ....well, they entered in to the spirit of the occasion, allowed themselves to trust in the entertainment value of the show, clearly want to be seen as different or 'special' and therefore are comfortably able to move forward with the act at hand. When that onion is placed in thier hand - they know on some level it's an onion, and that yes ok - it might leave an after taste, but more importantly, they know that realistically, no harm is going to be done.

Quite a different scenario would be to take that person and ask them to eat something dangerous or set themselves on fire. I think that the person in trance will think about it! But they are still there aware and intelligent, although relaxed and happy, and would just look straight up and say SOD OFF!

We are always ultimatley in control of our actions.

So what's it like in a session? Well, you lie there and think about things, you relax and drift away. You let go of all the little niggly things (as best as you can) - but oddly, you are still just there. In all the sessions with Adrian where we have done trance I've always thought - "is this it??" as I knew that at any moment I could choose if I wanted to to sit up, open my eyes and walk out.

The only thing was I had to choose to do this.

When we went to see Derren Brown last month there was a section where he talked about the audience getting to experience trance situations. There was loads of loaded language and bits and bobs before he got to the business of supposedly putting us in a trance. He explained it wou;ln't happen to everyone and that didn't matter.

Now I was not expecting to do anything - but I'm open to suggestion (I wanted to watch the show and enjoyed it very much) - I'm not frightened of trance states as I've done it before, and I regularly meditate. I was pretty certain that nothing (initially) would happen that I didn't want to engage with.

This is the key. I CHOSE to put myself in a positive situation for the trance.
So much so that I actually felt my eyes closing well in advance of the business of putting the audience in a trance.

He explained that our limbs would get heavy, we'd feel the need to swallow some more, we'd be really happy and comfortable and that some of us would want to stand up (he used this to pick his subjects for on stage tricks. Fortunatley for me I think I was physically a little too impractical for him to wield!)

So..... I was comfy and happy, my eyes were shut and I'd sat myself in an open position with my knees bent and my palms resting on my thighs. As did the rest of the audience. After a while he talked about how we might want to stand up, and sloooowly rise from our seats very gently. As I sat there, feeling pretty good, I just thought to myself "I don't really need to stand up,,,, well, theres no reason not to stand up... well I could just ...."

and before you know it I was stood up. My heart was pumping a little harder and I felt a touch of euphoria! I was stood up by choice I hasten to add, but not quite in the same way as choosing what pants to wear in the morning! The choice sort of 'comes upon you'

I stood there, lolling around - aware of noises in the auditorium and eventually all those who hadn't stood up (about 90% of the audience) opened thier eyes to look around. Normally I would have been crippled with self consciousness to know that everyone was looking at me, but I didn't really give a monkey's. I was comfortable. Standing up was goooood! I could hear whispers and titters (most people in the audience did seem to think that Mr Brown actually is some sort of Demon Warlock!) and I could hear all of this, but still not moving stayed there comfortably.

Shortly afterwards we were brought out of trance and down I sat. Now I realise trances can be much deeper than this, but I was quite happy and refreshed and well aware of what had been going on. I just wasn't interacting on quite the same level as everyone else (I was wafting around 2 ft up!)

Ok, it's all about choice, but then.... someone asks - 'but how did they get that man to stand so stiff that he could be laid between 2 small chairs, flat as a board and support his own body weight? '

Well, and I'm sorry to disappoint - but the volunteer just did it himself.

Hmmm you ponder, but if anyone tried this right away now it wouldn't work. And you'd be right. This is where the value of the trance comes in.

Subconsciously - and consciously when posed with a task, THOUSANDS of parameters go through our minds. Will it be hard? Will it hurt? will I like it? Will it make me popular? How likely am I to die doing it? Will I offend someone? Is it practical? Am I strong enough? etc etc etc ...... practially ENDLESS numbers of spears leap in to view, a bit like a full kerplunk game.

The purpose of a trance like state is to remove all those plastic sticks so that the thought marbles (please humour me) can pass freely. If all of these paramaters were removed and your brain simply received the 1 message ------ "Tense all our muscles right now and don't let go" That is what the body does. It doesn't need faith or confidence, it just takes the order.

Now depending on the level of trance or suggestibility the less or more kerplunk spears get removed, so that one task might be achievable but another one less so.

So anyway. The point in this was to explain my experience - nothing more. I hope it was enjoyable to read.

I now think very carefully about the kerplunk spears that I can remove, but know there are often lots that I have very little control over - and this is where something like hypnotherapy / CBT activities help me to see things from a new angle without strange personal plastic sticks trapping my marbles.

Here endeth the lesson

Another day dawns

2009-05-27T18:53:00.001+01:00

That's my first post that is. It's from the 19Th of May 2008, so this blog is now officially 1 year old! Happy birthday little blog.

Wow. That has totally snuck up on me. I'm quite impressed that I have managed to post regularly throughout the year and I have really enjoyed the process. It has helped me immensely with my journey and is a great way to look back on things.

So much has changed, and so much hasn't! It's weird really as massive change over a long period of time is so hard to document. When I started this I'd never lost weight in my life, whereas now I consider myself as someone who is a successful 'loser' - and still going.

By the time I'd started blogging, I'd still not done any proper exercises in my adult life. That is just crazy to think about. Especially crazy as yesterday I went to the gym early and decided to skip class. After my weights circuits I couldn't get a free cross trainer, so just went to my class as well! (I'm paying for it now).

I look back through all the photographs on the blog and can clearly see a difference and a large improvement in my body size and how healthy I look.

My relationship with food has been revolutionised. I still have stuff to learn, and habits to kick, but never the less I'm changed for life.

Anyway, thanks for coming along with me. Here's to another year of blogging. I may not have lost all the weight I want to just yet, but it's not the end result that is the goal I need to strive for - it's staying on the journey!

Other things happening in my life

I am getting a new car. Like brand new. It will be silver.
My lovely Jon walked all the way across Scotland and has come home thinner, browner and more relaxed than I've seen him in a long time
Vicky and I are going to Lanzarote in a bit - to eat fruit, drink wine and get a tan!
Vicky's sister had a little baby - called Charlie. He's cute
My salad leaves have grown v. well, but my tomatoes look really sad and puny - fingers crossed for the potato harvest in a month or 2!
Angels and Demons sucked, but Star Trek was great

holy cow

2009-05-20T18:13:00.000+01:00

I've done 7 months at the gym! My membership ran out yesterday. I CANT beleive it.

I never thought I'd do it. I also never expected to go that often. Or get my money's worth out of it.

Fancy some stats??

In the last 7 months there have been 30 weeks.

I have

been to the gym 32 times since I started.
my average cost per visit has been £5.47 (not very cheap, but not bad!)
I've spent over 30 hours in there!
I've done 13 hours of body sculpt - puff pant!
I've done 7.8 hours on the cross trainer - blimey

I'm a JOCK

watching this makes me feel better

2009-05-18T12:18:00.000+01:00

camera one, camera two, camera one, camera two

2009-05-12T20:45:00.000+01:00

Good photo followed by bad photo.

I'm still here I promise.

Now is not the time for part 2 of the hypnosis story but perhaps a little catch up with what's going on.

I have as usual been running around like a headless chicken. Last week was the first week in about 42 where I didn't got to the gym or do a class - mainly due to time issues. I was on the road for the latter half of the week, and went up to scotland with Jon. I really missed it - but at the same time didn't force myself to do much extra activity. I keep telling myself there was nothing (apart from gale force winds and rain) to stop me from doing an exercise routine by myself. I've consoled myself with the fact that putting up a tent and various activities attached to it counted as some brief exercise, and I really put my arse in to hoovering when I got home, so I've not gone a week without breaking a sweat, but I haven't exactly done brilliantly. This has further been worsened by the fact that when I got back from scotland a migraine of some sort descended on friday and is still making it's prescence felt.

Going to see Adrian on friday for some more hypno. I wouldn't say Ninja month has been a disaster, but it is much more difficult to achieve ninja status that it is to just do ok. I think I'm going to ask him to go over the ninja stuff again. The tetris stuff too. It's achievable, I just think I haven't quite gotten a handle on it just yet.

Travelling last week made eating really difficult. Well actually it was really easy to stick food in my gob, but in terms of timings and accessability it was tricky. Especially in the highlands of scotland.

Cameras are getting me down too. I was at a party last week and Jon took a picutre of me where I look amazing. I've had loads of lovely comments about it, but then if you look at other pictures people took during the night I look really fat and horrible. I apparently am only gorgeous 1% of the time and seem to spend the other 99% looking like a human blob. This makes it harder for me to enjoy the lovely picture as I don't believe this is what I really look like. It was just a lucky moment.

I wish I didn't like crisps. I always thought chocolate was my downfall, but it's becoming very clear to me that crisps and chips and crunchy fried potato is what I'm all about. I don't know when to stop.

Probably a good time to see adrian this week. Need a bit of a boost.

On hypnotism

2009-05-05T21:07:00.000+01:00

Sorry I've been a bit sporadic. Busy week last week followed by a bank holiday weekend. I'm more tired now than I was before!

Anyhow, as a belated Christmas present for my Dad, my friend Nic and I went to see Derren Brown last week at the Lowry, along with Nic's friend Rosie.

If you don't know who Derren Brown is you really ought to. He is a stage performer and a Mentalist - and is pretty bloody good at it. His techniques include NLP, hypnotism, cold reading, memory tools, being very clever, and quite witty. I've followed his career with interest for several years now from TV shows on channel four to very grand stage shows. Women seem to fall at his feet in amazement (see my friend Nic) - but sadly are to be disappointed as he recently announced that he is happily in a relationship with another chap.

He has written several interesting books about his work and the field in which he (sort of) works. He has some quite strong opinions on ethical matters and the charlatans that so often prosper from the grief or insecurities of vulnerable people - such as stage hypnotists, mediums, psychics and such - yet at times delivers stunts that to me show flagrant disregard to people who should be left well alone. For example a very nifty little trick in the show last week revolved around a young man who's Grandfather had just passed away, and another making a girl drink a glass of vinegar.

He does go to great lengths to remind his audience that he is not able to do magical, unexplainable things, and certainly doesn't talk to dead people, yet he still chooses to perform tricks that prey on the weaknesses of others when this is something he claims to want to disassociate with his work.

Anyway. Sorry, sidetracked on my soap box there. Back to the show. It was brilliant, despite what I described above. The more I read and experience around hypnotism, NLP and associated techniques the more interesting it becomes. Sadly it also makes things a little less exciting as I am more able to understand or rationalise his actions, and I'm not so overwhelmed by the tricks (although the beauty with which he painstakingly plans, researches and delivers them is a delight to behold). For me, the performance was more about me watching his every move. Assessing what is said and how it is said. From the very beginning there are things being suggested to you as an audience member that you have no idea about, that will have an impact on you some time later in the show. This sometimes makes the style of his delivery a little less fun as I'm always wondering how much of what he is saying is deliberately set up, not actually a chance to understand him the person or the artist. Well to be honest, no I'm not left wondering, it's blatantly clear that nearly if not all of what he says is integral to the delivery of his act. This sometimes leaves me with a little bit of a hollow feeling as in actual fact what seems like quite a personal and quirky character that is delivered is all set up. Having said that - surely that's what we see from all performers of any type isn't it?

I don't know.

Anyway, I started this post (if anyone is still with me) with a view to describing what happened to me when I went in to a sort of trance state during the performance, and my feelings on choice, intent, and relaxation affect the viability of a positive outcome from a hypnotic scenario.
But I've written too much today, so lets have a second installment!

Blimey - someone get me on a masters course or something.

feeling good

2009-04-29T23:59:00.000+01:00

I'm pretty impressed with myself at the moment.

Gym 2 days in a row, and I'm feeling pretty slick! Class was really hard last night, but I stuck with it. Oddly I arrived early and after getting changed and going up to class was still 10 minutes early. So I popped in to the room next door the main gym and did a quick 8 minutes on the cross trainer before the class started! I'm insane.

The night before I did a session on the weights and then the cross trainer in the big boys gym. My heart rate was much more stable, and I managed to do Well over 3500 strides during my 33 minute programme. My normal number of strides is between 2000 and 2800 and when I was off colour about 1700! I was quite pleased. I also burnt off about 440 as opposed to a normal 350 ish.

I'm feeling great, the sun is shining and all is good. I'm eating less and I'm a sporty git, but....

trousers still aren't shrinking! Ah well. Patience is a good virtue. I can imagine this is the bodies way of letting us fuck up. I suppose if I keep going and keep going, eventually there will be a change. It's just testing me, because if I started eating daftly now as eating less wasn't working - I'll never get there.

Went to the clothes shop to try on trousers last week. Quite clearly far off the next size down! However in tops things are looking good.

I think I need to invest in more undergarments though as things are becoming quite comical in this department!

shhh

2009-04-21T19:29:00.000+01:00

Today I managed to get in to the trousers I bought at christmas that didn't fit. They are the size I currently am, but seem to not be of a very generous cut or have much give. They didn't go anywhere near me when I got them home from the shop (I HATE changing rooms!)

I got them on a month or so ago - doing the 1980's lying down drainpipe jeans shuffle, but that doesn't constitue them fitting. The 'muffin top' that accompanied this was not acceptable.

Now I chose not to wear them today as they did feel a little tight and I had an important meeting. Split pants is not a good look.

I plan on wearing them around the house later to see how they go.

shred head

2009-04-19T22:34:00.003+01:00

See all that junk (and the hedge behind it?) I done shredded it all! I got a bit sunburned as it's been a beautiful weekend. Elbow is a bit sore and my thigh muscles are complaining about all the bending down!

My favourite jeans are starting to feel a little loose. I'm excited as I think I'm going to be able to buy some smaller ones soon!

I've booked my hoilday. Hurrah - Jon is walking across scotland in may, so in july I'm going to Lanzarote! Now not that I'm a fan of people getting too much sun, but I'm looking forward to getting a healthy glow about me.

Belt evidence!

2009-04-15T21:31:00.001+01:00

Belt news - ish.

2009-04-15T20:49:00.003+01:00

Well I'm feeling thin at the moment. I feel a little like I'm smaller and my clothes are bigger. Well - the clothes from last year, anyway.

I decided to get the old belt out (see right) and see if there was any movement. It's about the same really, possibly an inch more, but as Jon pointed out with an element of incredulity, that my belt has shrunk by a total of 18 inches since I started. Not to be sniffed at!

I suppose I should be thankful that it's not needing to be lengthened at all, as I'm constantly hearing about people who manage to shift loads of weight but then put it all back on again.

The trousers I have been wearing today are technically 2 sizes to big for me by my current readings, but I am enjoying wearing them as they make me feel thin! And because I bought them just last June, for my holiday in Scotland. I just about squeezed in to them and after blowing up my gym ball by mouth (puff puff) had to sit rather carefully atop it as the jeans were so stiff.

Now they look a little like clown pants. So I definitely lost weight there! Sometimes I need to just do a reality check.

I'm lots smaller than I was.

My ability to bend down at the moment is just fantastic. I don't think twice about picking things up off the floor and bending over to paint the shed (although not as fun as the bits at eye level) was not a problem.

I suffered terribly in the past with swollen ankles in the summer. I have always been petrified of ending up like those poor people you see with the 'exploded' legs who can't wear proper shoes any more. I suppose I was heading that way. I used to really worry about this.

I used to wear tubigrips on my left foot to sort of keep it in! Like flight socks. Now although my legs aint exactly those of a foot wear model, they really have changed shape. Socks fit better, as do shoes, and my legs are so much more comfortable. My ankle is clearly defined and my calves (althouh MEATY) are well defined.

I did a TOUGH class at the gym yesterday. The teacher decided as there were less of us to get the steps out. Now I don't know why, but using steps really seems to send my heart rate rocketing. I was really puffed out. I took some of the moves at half speed, as I'm not in the right zone for weight loss if I'm struggling for breath. To be honest, I didn't enjoy the class too much. The teacher varies the content week to week and in general 80% of it suits my style. It just so happened that about 50% of last nigts, really didn't suit me. Ah well. Can't win em all.

I'm hoping and praying (to no one in particular) that very soon I'm going to be able to buy some smaller clothes.

Fingers crossed.

what a difference a day makes

2009-04-13T22:07:00.003+01:00

wow. I'm a garden goddess. This weekend has been lovely. Family time, seeing friends, tasty cocktails, chocolate eggs, tasty food and......

Garden Attack. I didn't make it to the gym this weekend, but quite frankly I don't need to worry about that too much. I took to the hedge yesterday with loppers and cut these really old knarly hedges that haven't been touched for years. They had got out of hands and were about 20 f00t tall instead of about 6 foot. 4 hours later, they were down!

My hands and arms went through the mill and I look kinda scratched up, but I feel so proud of what I've done. The difference is amazing and it even provoked the neighbour whose garden it backed on to to come over and make friends with us, and has even offered to do some of the tricky bits with his chain saw! I worked my ass off, thinking I wanted to get it all done and dusted. I didn't like the thought of going back in to work thinking that my long weekend had been mainly made up by me getting dirty in the garden.

Had a lazy day today, a nice lie in, off to buy groceries and a tasty mexican lunch, and when I got back I decided to pop out to treat the wood on our garden furniture. I bought the wood treatement over a year ago and have yet to open it!

A couple of hours later and not only had I done the furniture - but I'd moved on to the shed. I can't let it lie! I just want to be outside in the garden doing stuff.

Now I know that as the season changes, we are seeing good light and weather for the first time, so I'm just getting used to the fact that I can hang out in my garden again, like last year, however I don't remember being this keen to get stuck in and do stuff! I feel really proactive and positive.

The shed looks 10 years younger (it's not a sexy shed and actually is a bit ramshackle!) and the garden furniture looks brand new. The amount of light let in my the felled hedge is dramatic!

and I did all that!

Post 101

2009-04-09T18:04:00.000+01:00

This is my 101'st post! Wooop.

It's almost easter. Joy! 4 days off to spend with my loved ones, drinking some wine and having some quality time. I can't wait.

Well ninja eating is good. I've had a fairly positive week. I've properly enjoyed leaving food behind and I've cut my portions down a little bit. This has lead to me being hungry quite a lot of the time, but that is in itself quite enjoyable.

I've not been drinking enough water though, so I need to get on top of that.

Tomorrow I'm making poinsettias, cocktails that we had at christmas. You mix a bottle of prosecco or similar with cointreau and cranberry juice. Delicious and they make your legs go a little squiffy!

I'm popping to the gym on the way home. Couldn't go on monday and tuesday as I worked late then went straight to meetings. Yesterday I planned to go, but come home time from work I'd decided to give myself a break and went home to chill out. It was a good decision!

Chocolate milk is my new foodstuff of choice! It's perfect in the morning when you don't feel like eating, as it does fill you up a little bit. Yum.

playing games with ourselves

2009-04-05T21:48:00.004+01:00

So, how do we manage to apply ourselves so brilliantly to games? I have in the past (and still do) put many an hour in to playing little games like tetris. My fascination with them never wanes and the desire to beat that high score or best time is so very addictive. Well it may sound mad but after an enjoyable session with Adrian the Hypnotherapist this is what I'm starting to apply to the process I am undertaking to change my body.

I've been doing just fine in general, and the bigger picture is incredibly positive, but when you look at the little things, I'm letting myself get away with murder. Things like finding myself with half a plate full of food, and although I'm no longer hungry, carrying on so that I tidy up my plate and don't waste the precious food, or seeing that box of crispy creme in the office and thinking, well they taste so good - why not have 2?

From now on I'm going to work at becoming a Ninja in the art of ICMYT

This means I need to think about this as a game. When I play tetris, I do everything I can to make sure I get the full points available. I only finish lines when I can do four in a row unless I really have to, and often will start again if things aren't going my way. (not that I'm at all competetive!)

So living my life according to the rules of ICMYT now needs to become a set of tetris tiles. This means when I am satisfied and I don't need to eat any more of the food on my plate, continuing to eat it is not the way of the ninja. Gleefully getting rid of it and feeling good about the fact that I'm about to clear 4 lines at once is ninja like.

Eating because it's convenient and I might not get the chance later is not ninja, and it's certainly not tetris. Waiting for my hunger to tell me to eat. That's ninja my fellow glass hoppers.

Now don't get me wrong. A ninja is not perfect, and we've all seen the films where the supposed top ninja gets deaded by some young upstart. We can't be full on ninja 24/7 - that way madness lies, but..... we can work towards it.

Adrian helped me to think about the fact that every time I'm doing something that is un ninja like, it's pushing what I most want further away. I am impatient and hungry for my journey to be as swift as possible, so every time my ninja fu kicks in and I shelve that extra bit of food, or I ignore that extra treat just beacuse I fancy it - then I'm drawing success closer and closer to me.

Fear is definitley the path to the dark side (tee hee, how many cheesy references can I shoehorn in to this post?) and I need to remember that when the opportunity arises for some delicacy (like the great ice creams on offer at the snow place last week), rather than jump upon it even though I'm not that hungry, I must always remember that if a fancy icecream with a flake in it is what I truly, truly desire, I can wait for a time when I'm hungry and take myself back there and righteously enjoy it.

I still have an echo of this crazy feeling that if I don't satisfy the desire to have something immediately (even though it may not be the best time) I'm never EVER going to get the chance again. Nuts I know. But hey.

I'm going to draw up a new chart tomorrow. I successfully followed the last month attaining a minimum of 19 stars a week (some weeks 20 or 21!) out of 21 for each meal where I achieved what I call a 'level 6' of conscious eating. Taking time thinking about things, and making sure I was following the rules as well as I could.

My new chart is for level seven. I do all the above things, but now only achieve that star if there is a level of ninja mastery involved. This is specifically focusing on leaving behind things I don't need and being happy about getting rid of it.

As a friend, and Adrian have both said to me before, once you are full, all the food left on your plate turns in to garbage. That garbage either gets put in the bin, or put in your belly to destroy your attempts at weight loss. It doesn't seem hard to throw mouldy crap out of the fridge does it?

Lots of food for thought (groan!) But I'm working on it.

Glass is half full

2009-04-03T17:15:00.000+01:00

Our moods are an interesting thing aren't they. They have a wholesale effect on our behaviour, no matter how hard we try to defeat it.

I'm thinking about this as spring has finally arrived. We've moved the clocks back, so it's much lighter in the evenings and the weather this week has been beautiful. My plants are all coming back to life and my body feels like it's coming out of hibernation.

I worked myself hard on tuesday, and my triceps are still a little achey from bodysculpt on, it really was a tough class. But good fun. It seems more normal to put myself through the wringer when the sun is shining! I know it's nuts.

Yesterday we went to this snow place. An indoor ski slope, with a luge and things. We had a great time. Unsurprisingly the rental clothes weren't big enough for me, so I had to just wear my woollies. This meant that my jeans got pretty wet when I went down so I only went 2 times. But to be honest. It was a little crazy anyway, so I didn't really want to go any more than that! I think confidence wise I wouldn't have done that last year. I'm glad I did.

Leaving food on my plate is something that I am being plagued by. Well an inability to do so. My plate does as a rule have much less on it these days, so eating it all isn't a problem, but I am also definitley still eating when I'm satisfied and no longer hungry.

sweat it out!

2009-03-29T14:40:00.002+01:00

Man I've had an impressively active week.

two days in a row I did the 30 minutes cross trainer and 15 minutes weights. No aches and pains or stuff, just huffing and puffing and sweat!

I conducted the choir again last night ( they sang beautifully!) and I didn't even get remotley tired from waving my arms around at all. This used to get me quite hot and bothered.

The house really has been getting a bit scruffy, so I bit the bullet and hoovered the house to within an in inch of it's life - a work out and the place looks better.

I've shifted some of the crap out in the back garden that has been there for tooooo long. I've also planted this years potato crop. fingers crossed we won't get blight this year.

Good week ahead. Going sledging on thursday at an indoor snow centre, dinner with ?Nic, a session with adrian and I'm going to make some bento boxes for my lunch. All is well.

waving not drowing?

2009-03-25T12:40:00.000Z

Thats a picture of me falling nearly falling in to a giant waterfall. On the plus side, I'm pleasantly surprised by the size of my arse.

On the down side,
I'VE NOT LOST ANY WEIGHT FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS!!!!!!!

Well when I say that, I've not been weighed, so the above is not a factual statement. It's more like

I'VE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIT IN TO ANY SMALLER TROUSERS FOR AGES NOW!

that's more like it. I'm cheesed off. I'm exercising, (not as much as I'd like) and I'm eating ok (not amazingly - but not terribly) so why isn't the weight just buggering off? I'm confused.

The thing is - the exercising not as much as I'd like - really isn't my fault. When I haven't been ill in the last 2 months I've been working late or have had a social engagement. My routiene hasn't just been knocked a little, it's disintegrated. As soon as I know I'm going to be finishing work at a normal time and not going anywhere else in the evening, I'm off down the gym, for 35 minutes on the cross trainer and a good chunk of weights.

I'm bored and frustrated.

2009-03-20T21:40:00.000Z

I may, or may not have got my feet caught in an exercise machine that made your legs go worryingly akimbo and fallen over when trying to extract myself from it.

I may or may not have carpet burns on my hands and knees as a result.

I may or may not have rather painful inner thighs as a result of sitting on said machine with legs akimbo.

I have now worked out that listening to the radio on my headphones makes my workout SO much easier. Each section on the cross trainer is split in to 4 minute chuncks which is pretty much as song, so 6 or seven songs later, I'm half an hour in!

My biceps were bulging this week, so much so that I was conscious of them under my shirt! Need to make sure I don't get to ripped I suppose (tee hee!)

Green gym

2009-03-16T17:49:00.000Z

The garden is good for you! I woke up on sunday morning to the sun breaking the clouds, a gentle breeze and the birds singing in the tree. I had one thought - and one thought only, "I need to buy me some power tools!"

Our garden hedges are getting totally out of control and we don't have a working hedge trimmer. We were going to borrow Jon's dads, but I decided it was time to branch (tee hee) out on our own, so off we went to B&Q (a big hardware store)

£55 later I have a new hedge trimmer. Suffice it to say that what I really need is an industrial chain saw for some of the worst bit, I've managed to improve things massively.

An added plus is that my arms are really twinging today! This is the first time since before christmas that any kind of arm workout has left me feeling the burn the next day. Therefore I'm happy to add my trimming activities to my exercise diary!

I just need a huge skip now to take away all the crap left behind!

tonsils

2009-03-11T10:48:00.002Z

my tonsils are still ick. Been back to doctor and gotten more antibiotics. I also seem to have some tonsil stones- tonsiloliths, if you want to lose your breakfast/lunch/dinner, google them.

On the plus side I've been keeping a little calendar after seeing Adrian where I mark a start after eating if I feel that I've attained a level 6 (on my own scale) of eating responsibly. To earn a star I must....

Take time to assess how I feel before I eat and then dedicate time to focus on my food. Then to follow the four rules of ICMYT.

Apart from a disasterous night on monday when I ate enough chocolate to feel nauseous and one day last week when I skipped lunch for a meeting and ate 6 biscuits on the go instead, I've had 3 stars a day. The plan was that I should be aiming to get over17 stars in a 7 day period. I've just got 19- so all is good. And I could have done better than that and to be honest. A six is a pretty relaxed state of mind when it comes to eating.

I'm pleased.

Need to gym it tonight.

Sweating with the big kids

2009-03-06T17:58:00.000Z

Firstly - I'm 5 months or so in to being a gym member! How funny, I thought I'd only just started.

I'm pretty happy that I'm not watching the cash fall down the drain, and although some months have been quieter, it's been used enough to be cost efficient.

On another note, I went for a session last night (I'm not bothering with aqua aerobics at the moment - well that particular class anyway) and as I'm now finding that 5.30-7.30 is gym rushhour I had to go in the big gym.

So far I've only used the ladies gym as I feel safe in there, but there are only 4 cross trainers and only one of those measures your heart rate and tells you if you are in the weightloss or cardio zones.
After a very unsatisfactory session on one of the other cross trainers I vowed that next time I couldn't get on the one I like to go in the grown ups gym.

That happened last night. After 5 months! I would never have gone in there at the beginning - so nervously I went to look.

It's bloody massive. There are hundreds of machines, all with heart rate monitors. Some I have no idea what they do and these hilarious step machines, where a set of steps roll round like huge caterpillar tracks. (I didn't touch them.) There were scary people in there, and lots of testosterone wafting from the free weights room, but I had my pick of loads of good cross trainers.

I've seen the future. And it's in the main gym!

is that a cake?

2009-03-05T20:13:00.003Z

Hi Annimal - right so you asked me

#1What was the most unexpected thing that happened or you saw? (besides the seatbelt) and
#2 what did you guys eat, anything exotic?

The most unexpected thing I saw..... well I think the most unexpected thing was the flea market we went to by the harbour in Reykjavik. The guide books recommended it and as town was very quiet, we mooched along. We walked through some kind of time warp and found ourselves in the oddest place. It was like a bring and buy sale (or a garage sale) where people were sat around stalls of the oddest, oldest stuff. It felt a little like we were in the Eastern Bloc as it had a real 80's starkness going on and the things for sale just looked like crap.

Now, - as I contemplated this I did actually feel a bit bad as I come from a society that expects everything to be new, and pristine, and to open the shrinkwrap packaging. If something gets dirty we get rid of it, and I often look at stuff to go to the charity shop and think "ooh that's not good enough for the charity shop" and bin it.
I don't think Icelanders bin anything. They are an island in the middle of nowhere. They have no trees and most comestibles are imported. So therefore everything costs a FORTUNE. Heating and electricity is dirt cheap, but everything else costs a bomb. So understandably, people make do and mend. Which is to be encouraged (although not with shoes. I always remember my Mum ranting about how shoes should always be new - to look after your feet!)

So I think it's tough at times being and Icelander, especially since thier banking system (the number one industry on the island) has crashed. There are building sites left half finished along the sea front and apparently unemployment has risen from less than one % to 9%.

Fingers crossed they ride the storm out.

Point two - we ate all sorts. Above is a picture, not of a cake but a prawn sandwich. I bought it as I was so amused by it. To be honest, the piped mayonnaise and glace cherry didn't go down too well, but the prawns were fine. Iceland is the land of sandwiches - especially ham and cheese. Vicky picked up a sandwich and it was ham and russian salad (like coleslaw but with peas and potatoes instead of cabbage and carrots) - the texture was crazy.

Then I had a can of coke that was giant - half a litre! I bought it as it was funny! On sunday night we ate at the flashy restaurant, where I had scallops with a vanilla butter, roe and crispy onions- the scallops were the most tender sweet things I've ever had, and I followed this with a lamb loin that was so soft it hardly needed cutting. The lamb had a really strong taste - almost extra 'sheepy', you know the way goats cheese tastes a bit 'goaty'? Well the lamb was really 'sheepy'.

Because we were out and about so much we didn't sample too much of the cuisine, as we were on the go all the time. But there were no really gross things on offer, apart from lots of dried fish and some sweets I bought back for work, which were licorice lozenges, that are salty! Everyone picked on up, put it in thier mouths and promptly spat them out pulling hilarious faces!

Brilliant.

I'm back

2009-03-04T19:34:00.002Z

I'm back, and in one piece! We had an amazing time and I took loads of pictures which I'll be uploading to Flickr as soon as I can..... look for me as memmsy I think.

Anyway. Iceland is odd, wonderful, beautiful in parts and like nowhere on earth. We sort of saw the northern lights, but they weren't like the picture below. We were lucky as heavy snow started the next day and all other trips to look for them were cancelled.

On of the best things that happened - I was very comfortable on the plane. (well relatively!) As I was able to fasten my belt without an extender or without being really squished. I was always petrified (rather foolishly) that if I couldn't fasten the belt that I'd get thrown off, and little did I know they provided these handy little extender things. Therefore I avoided flying. I also didn't like the thought of invading the space of the person sat next to me with my overflowing body.

I was fine. I had to extend it fully, but I didn't need and extender, and I don't think I squished vic too much.

I didn't avoid anything - nothing held me back - even climbing down the iciest path to Gullfoss ( a giant waterfall) and nearly sliding off the path. My legs went under the barrier and Vic had to grab me.

I've got loads to blog about so hopefully will be doing lots of regular updates on various things.

Eeek!

2009-02-27T11:15:00.002Z

So it's finally time! Later on today, leaving poor Jon at home, I am setting off for Iceland with my dearest Vic.

I'm very excited.

Man I had a heavy day yesterday. My illness continues, work was serious, and I had the afternoon off to see Adrian. I had a really full on session. I'm not really ready to talk about it properley yet but suffice it to say, I have now found out that there was a lot of crap going on that I hadn't really realised (crap in my head!)

I've still got a lot of stuff to sort out and have potentially, unknowingly been selfsabotaging. More on that to come too.

Anyway, the session was hard. I cried (which was a little embarrasing, but couldn't be helped) and although I haven't bounced away from it like tigger, I think it will have a postive effect in the long run. I will be going back to see Adrian in a month, and I think for a few more sessions after that.

Anyway, aside from that..... Iceland. Wow we have a packed itinerary, and from arrival tonight our days are planned. Within the next 72 hours, I will

go on the longest flight I've ever been on (only 2.5 hours!)
leave europe for the first time, sort of
visit halgrimskirka - an amazing looking church in reykjavik
visited several museums and cafes
gone hunting for the northern lights
visited Gullfoss, Geysir and Pingvetlir - and photographed them
been to dinner in the finest restaurant in Reyjavik, that roates as you eat sat ontop of giant thermal water tanks
visit the blue lagoon, where I will get to lounge in geothermal pools

And that's just the stuff I KNOW is going to happen.

I'll see you all next week and make sure I show and tell.

ps

2009-02-25T19:31:00.002Z

Annimal, you are a wonder woman and I will be trying to take your advice tomorrow, and then after visiting Adrian, going for a jacuzzi and a steam at the gym.

NO EXERCISING - just steaming. Like asparagus.

(in the olden days I would have considered the above exercise!!!)

snot fair

2009-02-25T17:14:00.000Z

So I'm still ill. It's been about 3 weeks now. The excruciating pain in my throat has now passed and I am left with a strong head cold and a chesty cough. I'm working through it now as I've had time off work and I'm just fed up of it. I'm not getting any better really.

I've been taking lemsip/ibuprofen constantly for nearly a whole week now (even getting up in the night to take stuff) and it's not getting better. After a sleepless night on sunday I went to the walk in centre - never used one before, and found out that actually it's just a nurse (not that nurses aren't wonderful !!!!!) who told me kindly, if a little patronisingly that I had a coldy woldy and needed to go to beddy weddy and have a lemmy lem sip. She told me that green mucous does not an infection make and that as I'd already been given some antibiotics there was no way that even if I did go back to the docs that they'd give me more (which is a bit contradictory to past treatment I've received)

Anyway. If this is just a viral cold, it's like no other I've had before - 3 weeks of solid, painful symptoms.

As someone who rarely gets ill it's all the more galling that I've been sick since before valentines day and will still be sick when I go to iceland this weekend.

I've very excited about my trip and am almost packed - but have that paranoid feeling that I'll forget something really important. I've made a list but still....

I sound like a broken record, but along with being ill work has been a bit full on recently, so I'm running around a lot. Tomorrow I'm just doing a half day in the morning and after lunch I'm going to see Adrian the hypnotherapist. This is a rescheduled appointment and it feels weird as so much has happened since I wanted to book in for session, that I'd forgotten all about it. I was initally going in to it with an agenda of what I wanted to cover and sort out, but now I just feel like it's the end of year 1 and I'd like to take the time to chill out and enjoy the session.

Take it easy.

an unusual problem

2009-02-18T18:30:00.001Z

Hmmm So, I'm exercising, and I'm eating less. I don't seem to be shrinking particularly. What's that all about? I'm a little despondent at the moment as the radical changes I was seeing last year just aren't there. Don't get me wrong - I'm feeling loads better (more to come on that) but my gut ain't shifting.

I'm thinking about making a bit of a change. In terms of exercise. At the beginning it was all about baby steps and not pushing myself too hard. There was a real need for recovery between exercise bouts and I didn't want to leave myself vulnerable to injury and failure. But this is changing now. I'm enjoying exercise and can do sessions with little or no after effects.

I watched an interesting documentary last night call "fat man slim" about a 40 year old Kiwi who decided to change his life and pretty much took a year out of his life (lucky him!) and lost 10 stone. He was from a no frills school of weightloss and pretty much kicked himself up the arse on a daily basis for a year. Healthy eating came in, some slightly dodgy fruit and veg detox fasts and plenty of sweat. Now don't get me wrong - this is not what I want to do, and although the guy was an inspiration and made amazing change in his life - he was a bit nuts too and his behaviour wasn't exactly what I'd call usual. He was quite a career driven man and he chose to make it his 'job' to sort his body out.

I've blogged before about how life and work has changed priority for me throughout this duration and that at the beginning, I really focused all my attention on the programme and doing it right. As time has progressed it has become more matter of habit, and part of my routine, so I haven't had to concentrate on making sure I exercise, or on not choosing to eat something I think I 'ought' to. My job has got a lot more intense and will stay that way for some time to come.

My emotions have changed. Through great help from friends and hypnotherapy I'm no longer so screwed up about me as a person. At first I never thought I could achieve anything, so every result was such a joy. Now - I don't mind going to the gym, I have been able to fit in to smaller clothes - it's kind of expected. I don't feel like I don't deserve to be around like I did before. I feel capable of anything, and freed from a long backlog of insecurities and nutty thoughts. So when this started I felt that I needed to lose weight to feel better about me as a human. Losing weight does make me feel better about being a human, but I actually just feel better anyway now. It's not just weight that was stopping me from feeling good about myself.

I don't even tit around as much as I used to do to, to try and make people laugh at me so they would like me. I'm much more at home in my (saggy) skin.

This makes me worried that I'm not so bothered about the weight loss anymore. The fact that I'm not shrinking tells me there is a missing link in the chain somewhere, but I don't really know what it is.

After watching the documentary I feel like I want to take some form of inspiration from this guys hard work. I'd like to go to the gym every day, but I've not done this as I feel that there isn't enough time in my life to do this. I certainly can't get out of bed any earlier and go before work!

I treasure my evening times with my partner, and at least 3 times a week I'm usually not at home in the evening due to work commitments, social activity or other responsibilities outside of work. I've been feeling a bit like I have to give all these people priority over my exercise. The only way I'm going to fit more exercise in to my routine is if I MAKE TIME for it. and something will have to give. I was frightened of letting my partner down by not being there for him in the evenings, and not getting to spend as much time together, but looking at this guy on telly, he really was managing a project. And so am I (that course I went on really was useful!). Perhaps its about time that I said the project everdecreasinggirdle needs to have 5 half hour gym sessions every week and that I go via the gym on my way home each day and do a shorter session. I can then shower and go on to my social activities, or just go home to see my partner.
ok 5 nights a week may not be perfectly achievable, and I'd like to still do my hour class on a Tuesday as I enjoy it, but I think I want to be able to exercise every day of the week. I think I might knock the current aqua aerobics on the head mainly because its not enough of a challenge.

I'm not quite sure whether this is a goer or not - but I think I have to try. I shouldn't feel guilty about being absent as the whole point in this plan is to make sure I'm around for alot longer to enjoy the company of the people I love.

Year one is nearly over and I'll be celebrating my 365th day by going to the finest restaurant in Iceland with my closest friend Vicky.

I think I need to take stock of my 1st year. It's quite clear I'm going to be doing this for at least another year. Optimistically I could be 50% through this journey.

Perhaps Year 2 needs to start with the daily gym trip??

Gym Pervert

2009-02-12T18:01:00.000Z

Don't panic guys, this isn't some weird post about the pleasures of muscles or of some strange lurker in the showers (yeuch) No it's funnier than that.

This is something that a friend from a message board (TLCbunny) and my most dedicated commenter (annimal) have mentioned in the past.

I'm talking about the perversion of loving a good work out.

This dawned on me last week. I was really going for it in bodysculpt. (the class when I got 2 thumbs up from the teacher!) and I found the little voice in my head going

"jeeesus I'm tired, I'm hot and I'm tired, my legs hurt, my tummy hurts, I'm tired, this is hard, I can't breath, I want a lie down, I want a shower, I don't want to look in the huge mirror over there (I understand the need for mirrors, but wish I didn't always end up stood right in front of one), I'm tired I'm hot, expletive, not another 16 squats??? etc etc etc"

But then another little voice interjected (which I now seem to have given a rubbish mexican accent)

"I looooove it, this is great, do one more, ooooh it hurts, yeah, lets do some more, theees eees greeeat, I wonder how many more I have to do, this will make me really hurt tomorrow, what joy"

And then I flip back to the first voice and so on and so on.

So my hour in bodysculpt is made up of 50% wishing it was over and 50% wishing it would never end. It's very confusing, and a little funny.

In a way the first voice is who I've always been and the 2nd voice is a new one, and this voice speaks for the fact that I'm getting better and stronger, able to do more, and enjoying using my body, in ways that (ignorantly) I used to poke fun at. The second voice knows that the pain brings results and the biggest joy I feel is when I can do something new or buy smaller clothes.

The second voice speaks for what I want, and where I want to be. I just wish it wasn't quite so kinky!

grotbags

2009-02-11T17:40:00.004Z

hello everyone. I'm a bit of a grotbags at the moment. I've been a little off par for the last week or so, with lethargy, aches and feeling cold, this has now mutated in to what may be tonsilitis. I'm not mega ill, but I'm feeling really weak. I've had a lot of nausea and I really sturggle with looking after my body when I feel sick. I was a combination of full, nauseous and hungry at times which is really confusing. In the end I had to make myself eat as I knew I needed the calories and the energy that would come from it.

I found myself out of breath walking and talking to Jon on my mobile, and when I got to the top of the stairs. What is quite funny is that I used to be like that all the time! Now I'm not. It takes a bit more effort to get out of breath these days.

I had to cancel the hypno session as I took to my bed yesterday. Feel sad as I was looking forward to it and how it would boost my mood, but am glad I didn't go as I think I'd have just fallen asleep in the chair and wouldn't have been the best subject. Shall reschedule this pronto.

I'm definitely still maintaining the weight loss, and I think moving towards shrinking again which is good news. I was feeling a bit weird after christmas and I might have put a few pounds on, but this is the first time I've been in tune with my body enough to be able to notice what putting weight on feels like. I have definitley noticed a few things changing in the last few weeks that tell me I'm at least back to where I was before christmas if not futher. Infact the trousers that I bought in the sales that didn't fit....... still don't fit! But I managed to get them on. I just couldn't move. So lets wait a bit longer. Also I've had to ditch the swimming costume I bought about 5 months ago and buy one 2 sizes smaller.

I went to the gym on saturday as I had the day to myself and did 30 minutes solid on the cross trainer, with very little trouble. I was also doing a 'weightloss' programme where I did a period of low resistance and an period of high resistance." This made it kinda fun and the 30 minutes passed just fine. I could have carried on (I was sweaty and tired by this point) but I know that my hips hurt after cross training so stopped and did some weights. My hips were sore, but not too bad.

I did the weights pattern that we do in class. I was able to use 3kg weights down in the ladies gym, which are like gold dust in the class, I'm usually left either using 1.5kg weights or if I can pick them up - holding 2 pairs of 1/1.5 kg weights. I did just fine with 3. I liked it more as I could feel it working better. Wow, I never expected to be progressing like that. When I started, using 1kg was really hard work and my arms would scream.

Apart from the fact that I've had to miss class yesterday through illness and considering my throat and ears are the problem I don't think I should swim tomorrow, I really think I've got this exercise lark nailed. Hopefully I'll feel better towards the weekend and will go then to make up for the classes I've missed.

Henrietta Normal

2009-02-04T19:28:00.000Z

I think I've got to the bottom of my current problem. I'm so very, very normal.

Last year I was so caught up in how amazing I was. For the first time in my life I was visibly losing weight and getting to buy smaller pants, I was discovering that exercise is fun and that I can do stuff. I was delighted with my ability to turn down food, and desire to be hungry.

Everything was new. I was constantly being alerted to changes in my shape, health, mood and achievements.

Right now I'm getting a big fat nothing. I can exercise, at least twice a week with very little inconvenience, I'm perfectly capable of not eating myself sick, I'm not bothered about making sure I get a piece of every cake I see. Fan bloody Tastic - all this means is that I'm just sodding normal. I'm like everyone else.

I feel like such a plodding, nodding dog at the moment. I'm doing it all. That's not the problem, I just don't have any joy about me. I was so buoyed up with the positive mood of things that it made it so easy to throw myself in to things.

I'm 300 odd days in, I have proven to myself that exercise is now in my routine after 28 solid weeks of doing activity, and I've not fucked up at all. I've kept at it. I now feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I've fallen out of love with what I'm doing. I'm still doing it, but I don't feel special. I also feel like I'm being a whiny kid too.

I'll get over it. Booked in to see the hypnotherapist next week. Fingers crossed it will pick me up.

On another note, I did planning with vic for our trip to Iceland last night. I'm starting to get really exited about it. I went to costco yesterday and managed to sit comfortably at the food court tables (you know the ones where the seats are attached to the table and you can't move them back) where in the past it was a bit of a squish. I went to body sculpt last night and really went for it - the teacher knew I was really going for it as normally he leaves me to my own devices but last night he gave me two 'thumbs up' and a big grin.

shhh don't tell anyone

2009-01-29T18:15:00.001Z

but at the moment I feel like this isn't working. (it is of course, and compared to before I started my understanding and behaviours attached to eating were radically wrong) I am pretty certain that it's due to extraneous factors and my life being crazy, but I'm becoming more aware of my not being so bothered about waiting to be hungry and stopping when full.

I hope it's an abberation, but I'm going to take steps and arrange to see the hypnotherapist anyway. It's funny really as I haven't felt the need to go, and I'm pretty certain I know what he will ask me and what answers I will give, however - I need to remember that I don't have to do all this alone. There are support networks out there.

I almost feel like there isn't room in my life to concentrate on stuff. Which is utter crap really as I'm the only person who picks up food and puts it in my face.

I think I just need to literally schedule in some ME time to think about this properley.

2009-01-28T18:23:00.000Z

So I’ve been on this project management course in London for the last few days, it’s been fun; I got to go and watch Wicked at the theatre. Wow, it was quite something. It’s definitely not the best musical ever written, and had some distinctly naff songs and moments in it, but…. It was £40 well spent. The production values and budget attached to this show really make it a sight to behold.

I have never seen anything slicker, shinier or more visually arresting, possibly in my life! Every costume, no matter how important the character was immaculate and of great splendour, the lighting and effects stunning and the set showed that it had absolutely not constraining factors when it came to budget.

The theatre itself (the Apollo Victoria) is even bedecked in green and tarted up to match the show, in a major way, showing that the investment (and the takings at the till) is LARGE.

Wow. I’d recommend it to anyone – although if you don’t normally enjoy musicals it would be a lot of money to spend just to enjoy the sheer extravagance of it.

Anyways, this post does have something to do with ICMYT and stuff – honestly! I’ve learnt a new project management tool, called a Gantt chart, it’s still quite a scramble in my head, but at the end of the course we were given time to try making one for ourselves. I didn’t feel quite up to doing one based around work, so for a giggle (if that doesn’t sound too dorky) I had a go at making one for my weightloss and the various ways I manage it and my life surrounding it.

This pointed out to me that there really are a lot of elements going on in my mind when carrying out my weightloss journey and the blog is a vital bit of it. It’s the best place for me to get down my current thoughts and feelings and knowing that other people read it and get in touch spurs me on no end, and it also demonstrates, that once work got hectic, or Christmas came and screwed up my routine, I wasn’t able to devote so much brain time to what I was doing, and it was all hectic up there. I’m going to try and see if finishing off this gantt chart for the weightloss will mean that I can look at it every now and then and see what I need to be thinking about, rather than worrying about it all at the same time,

And hopefully once I’ve done one for my project at work (which will be monstrous) I’ll have less of that stuff cluttering up my mind so I can think about weightloss!

lessons learnt

2009-01-27T20:37:00.004Z

Our bodies are pretty clever really. We just don’t listen to them enough. This weekend I did mine a great disservice by drinking far too much wine. My body then made it pretty clear to me that it was not impressed by awarding me perhaps the worst hangover of my life.

All day today I have not been able to function (which as was my mothers 60^th birthday family get together has been pretty tough)

A sleepless night was followed by a headache of monstrous proportions. This was before I got up! Then my body proceeded to make me feel nauseous and motion sick all day long! I felt like I never ever wanted to eat food ever again. The smell of food made me faint and even looking at it gave me chills.

I wish I had a little more of that disinterest in food from time to time, although having said that – I wouldn’t rush to repeat the past 24 hours.

Eventually I had to eat something as I knew that without fuel, I’d only feel even worse. I spent about an hour trying to eat some rather grim leek and potato soup and some crisps. I felt as if at any moment the whole lot might come out at great speed and force, taking out anything in it’s way.

I then had to sit very still for about half an hour waiting to see if I’d erupt or whether if I concentrated very hard the food would stay down and give my body some fuel to be able to recover. Eventually it worked, but my day was further worsened by having to take a train to London for a course. I sat as still as I could all the way, couldn't read or play my DS (I'm such a kid) - got to my legoland hotel room and crawled in to bed.

I don't know when I want to drink again..... watch this space

don't panic

2009-01-15T19:35:00.000Z

I'm still here, but unusually I'm so very busy. I'm doing end of year reports, visits, meetings and that's just the work stuff. I don't have time to blink. So whistle stop round up of activities at the moment (you can tell I've been writing reports!)

first bodysculpt for 3 weeks on tuesday, it was good, but hard. Not too sore afterwards, but am more sore 2 days afterwards!
Did 40 out of 60 tricep lifts holding a 10lb weight above my head.(4.5kgs)
Can no longer wear my old t-shirt - the green one I'm wearing on the bike pictures ages ago as it's literally falling of in gym classes
still eating a bit too much, almost like a wind down from christmas. I really feel like a day isn't finished until I've had some chocolate. Trying to manage this.
feeling physically very well, have a real spring in my step.
have realiesd that a lot of my self doubt has gone with the weight loss, more to come on this at a later date.
I need to drink more water. And probably less coffee.
Think I might get my hair cut a lot shorter
think I might go away on a far eastern expedition this year. (I've never left europe!)
I wish I had more blogging time. Think I might have to schedule some in.

More to come soon.

Holy Cow!

2009-01-09T13:01:00.000Z

This is me, sat in the Louvre about 2 years ago. I was knackered. I had the best time in Paris, but really struggled with getting around. Every opportunity I got to sit down I did. I probably didn't need to read the map but I was trying to make it look like I had a reason for sitting down.

Anyway - I'm posting this because I've just realised that I have been exercising for 6 months without a break! 6 bloody months. I have done at least one thing a week for 26 weeks. Some weeks I've done lots of things. I haven't had a week off! Even over christmas.

I'm astounded. I feel like the exercise thing has only just started and that I'm only just getting the hang of it. This is true of course, but no wonder I've lost 4 dress sizes if I've actually been doing some physical exercise.

Call me mad but I sort of didn't really believe I was doing it properly - as I was enjoying it. I thought I wasn't pushing myself hard enough or doing enough things, something that is that nice can't be good for me.

I'm clearly nuts.

I even fantasised about the practicalities of running a marathon the other day!!! (fantasised being the important word here!) I decided that if I could do half an hour on the cross trainer, that 4 or 5 hours of running was just several blocks of half an hour put together! It's not something to consider this year. Or probably next. But I'm pleased that I can even actually perceive something like this as ok for a human being to do! I used to struggle to understand how or why anyone would want to do such a thing.

Taking it easy over christmas has been ok, but I was beginning to feel less supple and energetic, so swimming last night has really picked me up.

the end of the party

2009-01-03T18:41:00.003Z

So the dust is settling, the baileys is nearly finished, the pine needles are dropping from my little tree and work beckons again on monday.

Ho Hum.

I've had a lovely time. It's been busy and interesting and at times restful. I've realised that as I get older the feeling of "christmas" definitely changes but being around the people that matter most makes it really great.

I'm feeling a little low - but only in the way that most people probably do right now. It's cold and dark, work is just going to continue and the daily grind takes over again. The news is full of doom and gloom - and the sense of time passing before ones eyes is never more present than at the dawning of a new year.

This will of course pass, but it's hard to avoid feeling a bit gloomy.

This is further compounded by the fact that like the rest of the world I have also spent the last few weeks eating and drinking like a lunatic! I've had the best time. Nothing has stopped me and every single thing I have eaten has been a yummy tasty morsel. I have had so many mince pies, smoked salmon canapes and crisps. I really could keep going all year. Well no actually.

Weird feelings are coming over me that I can't wait to get back in to my routine. I'm ready for some salad and veg and can't wait for getting really hungry again. It's weird how over the last few days that even though I have wanted these things I have carried on eating all the holiday excessive stuff - mainly because it's there and I feel I ought to carry on stuffing it in before normality resumes and I'm not allowed stuff till next year.
This makes no bloody sense whatsoever. Ah well.

I can honestly say that although I have been eating more than the average elephant recently - I haven't eaten anywhere near as much as I would have done a long time ago.

I certainly haven't lost any weight and I've probably put a bit on, but hey, I'm on a fairly long haul here, and am comfortably resigned to the fact that I'm still going to be on this journey next christmas, so 2 weeks where I haven't been fully on course really is small fry.

I'm so ready to get exercising some more as I've definitely slowed down here, but mainly due to other commitments and being in different places at different times.
The fact that I did 30 minutes on the cross trainer the monday before christmas really does fill me with renewed enthusiasm for my fitness progress potential in 2009.

On a different note entirely, I don't go in for new years resolutions, as they are only a way to punish yourself for failure. Any day is the perfect day to make a change in your life. I wish we could all remember this. We don't have to wait for any special occasion and we don't have to put parameters on change that make it overly difficult or humiliating. We just have to want to change for the better.

I'm not in any way spiritual and I don't want to sound schmaltzy but one thing that has cropped up in my mind all over Christmas and new year is something that I think we all forget.

We are so VERY privileged. Whatever shit we deal with, what ever hardships we face, are we really suffering that much? There are various pleasant and less pleasant ways in which this has been shown to me recently (no not by 3 strange ghosts!) But regardless of how shit things can seem,

We all have someone who loves us, or would worry if we didn't turn up somewhere. We have roofs over our heads and food in our bellies. UK gas prices may be ridiculous, but none of us are going cold or hungry. We have computers and broadband, mobile phones and dvd players, cars that take us around and clothes that we choose.

I hope everyone who reads this can think of at least 1 thing that they should be thankful for. I know I have many.

One of these is that a few rennies a side - I've had no gaviscon this christmas! (this is a trivial thing to be thankful for, but my improved health is not!)

hic hic hic

2008-12-25T19:18:00.001Z